Just Go With It
by NarutoBlackmail
Summary: Formally titled "Turn It Into Love". When Doofenshmirtz's new evil plan goes awry, Perry is unexpectedly turned into a human. The mad scientist agrees to help change him back but Perry begins experiencing new crazy hormones while around him. SLASH
1. Backfire

WASUP WASSUP WASSUPPPP

Okay, so I decided to start a new fic becaus ei simply ADORE Phineas and Ferb. This was based off a dream I had after watching porn. Yes. Yes it is.

**Pairings: **Doofenshmirtz/Human!Perry

**Warnings:** GUYYYY LOVVVE do not want, do not read plz

--

"Ferb," Phineas cried, "I know what we're going to do today!"

While Phineas was explaining his and Ferb's new big plans for the rest of the day that would ultimately lead into the usual disaster that turned out well in the end with Candace still unable to "bust" her brothers, Perry glimpsed at his two beloved owners and shifted his eyes to make sure they weren't looking. When he felt safe enough, he crept away silently behind the tree in which they sat upon everyday and a random hole suddenly appeared in the ground, quickly reforming back into it's usual covered grass area like nothing never happened.

"Hey, where'd Perry go?" Phineas asked, looking around. Ferb simply shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well, he knows his way back home."

As soon as Perry slid down the long range of chutes, he wound up in his secret underground base. He placed his trademark fedora on and ran over to his large screen sitting in his equally large chair. As soon as he did, Major Monogram appeared onscreen.

"Agent P, we have a _very_ important mission for you today." he inquired. "It appears Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz has mixed up a concoction in which he will have the ability to change thousands of adorable little critters into seductive humans, charming them with their cuteness and ultimately taking over the entire Tri-State Area under his every command. It's your job to stop this before he succeeds with this plan."

Perry saluted his Major with the upmost respect, accepting his mission. "Good luck Agent P, and be careful. Doofenshmirtz has a giant barrel of the potion and-" before finishing, he realized the little platypus was already gone.

--

_**Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!**_

"Well, I must say that THIS is my most ingenious plan EVER! I call it, "The Humaninator"!"

The maniac doctor glanced over at all the kittens in the very large cage. "Soon, your cuteness will stop even the army of this country itself, because you're so cute! Yes you are! Yessss you are!" he coughed and turned away from the litter of kits and put on an satisfied smirk. "And this time, Perry the Platypus will NOT-"

As if my coincidence, Perry suddenly burst through the door to his main lab, a look of determination flashing on his facial features. "Aaaah, Perry the Platypus!" Heinz said. "I was just talking about you and how you won't stop me this time! You see that big metal barrel right there?" Perry looked over to the right side of the lab.

"N-no the other side..."

Left.

"No! The big barrel! It's_ right there_!"

The confused look of a platypus secret agent.

"AUGH! **RIGHT THERE**, BY THE FREAKING BIG CAGE OF KITTENS! YOU CAN'T MISS IT!"

Perry saw exactly that, in which Doofenshmirtz grinned again and continued, "Yesss, see the adorableness of it all? How their big saucer-plate eyes just gaze at you with that look of "please love me" and the softness of their fur and their-" he began to ramble off, getting lost within his own summary of the pets. Perry rolled his eyes, _'What a moron...'_ he thought and ran after his arch nemisis, slapping him over the head with his tail.

"GAH!" Doofenshmirtz cried, "You little-! I can play dirty too!" With that saying, he ran up to the side-stairs of his lab, Perry hot in pursuit of him.

As they began to brawl it out, Doofenshmirtz grabbed a hold of Perry's tail and pinned him on the railing of the high stairs. Perry looked down desperately, realizing he was over the dreaded liquid. He gulped and realized he had no hopes in escaping this time. "Sooo, Perry the Platypus," Doofenshmirtz smiled, "It finally ends here!" As he let go of the smaller animal, Perry, at the last second, regained his balance, managing to jump on the man's head and knocking him to the floor. The platypus landed on the railing again, this time on his feet, but lost his balance once again on account of the railing being to thin for his webbed feet.

A loud splash was heard as Doofenshmirtz picked himself up and rubbed his head. "Perry the Platypus? Where'd you go?" he searched around his lab and when he saw the kittens still in their cage, Heinz realized that Perry had not escaped. He ran down the flight of stairs and looked around once more. "Okay, look, Perry the Platypus," he cried out into the lab, placing his hands on his hips, "you obviously want me to continue with my evil scheme, so, I send my eternal gratitude out to you on behalf of-"

Before he could finish he heard a loud splash of water come from his barrel of the potion. He looked up at the top and saw two arms reach out and cling to the sides. "What the-" Doofenshmirtz began, but froze when he realized what must have happened. "_Oh no_. Don't tell me... that that's-"

The human figure slid down onto the floor, coughing up liquid and trying desperately to reach air into his lungs. Doofenshmirtz could not help but stare long and hard at what sat in front of him on his laboratory floor.

The skin was soft and Caucasian-looking, a very slender, young-looking body with a straight body frame. The hair was what looked like Perry's exact fur color, and was cut rather short but had rather long bangs and reached down to his neck. The fedora rested by his side, after pulling it out along with himself. After he ceased coughing, he looked up at Doofenshmirtz, his eyes pitch-black, panting from his near death experience of nearly drowning. Good thing he was platypus though, even if he did feel suddenly heavier after dropping into the barrel...

Doofenshmirtz kept staring at him, mouth agape. "P-Perry the... Platypus? Is it _really_ you?" Perry gave him a confused look in return. _'What does he mean by that? He looks and SOUNDS even stupider than usual with that look on his face...'_ As Perry reached for his fedora, he glanced down only to find something a little off with his appearance. His eyes widened with shock and disbelief as he stared at his hands and then soon his entire body. It was when he realized he was wearing absolutely no clothes, which struck him as strange since, well, he was an animal. But somehow, _this_ felt a little too embarrassing.

Perry quickly grabbed a hold of the fedora and covered his nether regions, blushing heavily, still facing Doofenshmirtz square in the face with the expression of anger, humiliation, and helplessness.

"You know," Heinz finally said, "I didn't really think that potion would actually even work."


	2. New Ridiculous Mission

**DISCLAIMER PLEASE READ:** I just want to clairfy one thing:

If you see _any_ similarities between my fic and someone else's, or whether it be your own, please note that it's simply coincidental. I know that there's a good chunk of fics and fanart of Perry being changed into a human, but this version is MINE so once again, **any similarities are purely coincidental and NOT, I repeat**, **NOT INTENTIONAL!** So please read and remember this, because I won't tolerate any shit that says, "this reminds me of so-and-so's fic". I'm not so low as to copy another person's hard work, I already know how that feels, and it's not fun.

Other than that, please enjoy chapter 2!

--

Perry shook his hands back and forth, the long sleeves of Doofenshmirtz's extra lab coat (which he lended to him willingly to cover him up) drooped down and hid his hands. The once-was platypus glared back up at his nemesis, silently promising him assuring death once he gathered what was happening in his mind. The mad scientist simply walked back and forth in deep thought as Perry sat on the couch in his office, watching his every move.

"Well..." Doofenshmirtz finally began, "I hope you know that NONE of this is my fault, especially your current condition. You fell in on your own, accidentally or not." He glanced down at Perry, arms crossed, and then turned around while rubbing his chin. "Might as well start teaching you some words so you can talk properly. Can't have an annoying, good-guy menace wrecking my plans without at least giving some lame victory spee-"

"I can talk just fine, thanks." Perry spat suddenly.

Doofenshmirtz froze and slowly turned to look at him. "Are you- are you telling me that you could talk this whole time?!" Perry shook his head and sighed. "Just because I'm a platy- er, was ONCE a platypus, never meant I couldn't communicate. Animals can understand one another through growls and stuff like that. It's just like human talking, except only animals can understand it. But now that I am," he pulled a lock of his blue-green hair, "like this, I can talk just fine. You can understand what I am saying, correct?"

Heinz just stared and nodded silently. He never knew the little guy had so much to say. "So... I guess it's just Perry now, right?"

"... Excuse me?"

"Perry. You're just... Perry. The name. Not Perry the _Platypus _anymore, that is."

The smaller figure flinched at the realization that had just occurred to him. "Oh," he said, "You're... right. You are absolutely right!" Doofenshmirtz cocked an eyebrow when he saw Perry's hand come up to cover his mouth, as if he had just saw something horrifying. "What, what's wrong?"

"I can't be an Agent anymore!" Perry cried. "I'm not Agent P if I'm not a platypus! I have to resign to the Major and when I get back home-"

That's right. Home. Phineas and Ferb. Perry's eyes were still and wide open with shock. "I _can't _go back home..." he muttered softly. His hands came down to rest on the couch's soft cushions to steady him at all that was happening so fast. "What do you mean you can't go back?" Doofenshmirtz asked, walking over to Perry so that they were only five inches apart. He waited for a response, but when he didn't get one, he spoke up, "Of course you can go back home. Just explained what happened-"

"I CAN'T!" Perry shouted and stood up. Despite the hight difference, Perry only reaching up to Doofenshmirtz's shoulders, he stood perfectly erect and in no position to screw around. "Don't you understand?! Christ, I knew you were stupid, but COME ON! Even YOU should know that I'm not able to go back to my family!" The Dr. scowled down at him for the 'stupid' insult, but listened.

"If I go back there and tell them who I am, what happened, _everything_, then my cover will be blown. They would disown me, and then what? What if they don't even believe me? They'll probably call the cops and take me to a damned mental asylum!" Perry gasped for air through his rant and glared at the carpeted floor beneath him. He turned his head to the side, feeling Doofenshmirtz staring intently at him. When Perry heard a sigh and the sound of him scratching his head, he looked back up only slightly, his bangs hiding his eyes.

"If you resign from being an Agent, then what am I?"

Perry snapped his head back up fully now, his attention on Heinz. "_What?_"

"Well," Doofenshmirtz coughed, backing up slightly, "I can't be your enemy if you aren't mine! An evil, genius scientist such as myself must always have another one there to foil his plans. Without you I'm... I'm nothing... really."

Perry's eyes were locked on him completely, the eyes staring up at him in awe and disbelief. It was then when he remembered when Doofenshmirtz replaced him with that God-forsaken _panda_. Even if it was all a trap in the end, the man really did sound honest when he said that Perry was the only nemesis for him. Strange relationship they had, the two of them.

Perry sighed and began to slowly walk out. "I'm going now." he replied. "To resign. I suggest finding a new hobby, Doctor. Goodbye." With those last words, Perry shut the office door, and walked out of the building, not looking back.

--

Through many squeezings and tight findings, Perry managed to make his way back into his base. Man, being a human sure did have its disadvantages. He sat upon his chair and waited for the screen to turn on. When it did, Monogram had his back turned, apparantly writing on what looked like a clipboard.

"Ah, Agent P," Monogram said delightfully without looking at him, "Was the mission a success?"

Perry sighed sadly. "No, sir. I apologize for what I'm about to say, but," his voice became louder, "but I must resign from the Agency."

"Ah, yes, good, good," Monogram said turning back around, not paying attention or realizing he had just _spoke_ until he saw Perry's new appearance. "SWEET MOTHER OF BABY JESUS! AGENT P! What in God's name happened to you?!" As Perry sat and explained, Monogram's eyebrows furrowed. "So, your mission was a failure, then?"

"I guess you could say that, yes. I'm deeply sorry, but I'm sure that Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz will not proceed with the plans."

"What makes you so sure?"

Perry remembered what he had said, how he was "nothing" without him. "I'm just confident, sir."

Monogram scratched his temple and then ran a hand through his hair, mussing it up slightly. "Well, what is this talk I hear of you resigning?" Perry gave his Major a look, thinking he was joking. "With all due respect sir, I figured you would know why because of the obvious fact that I am not a platypus anymore. Just..." his mind ran back to Doofenshmirtz's words, "... Perry. I can no longer be an agent, and thus, must discontinue my service under your command."

Silence filled both rooms, the only sound being heard was the humming of computer monitors and the recording of the video cameras. It was suddenly broken with Monograms' hearty laughter that filled the room. Perry was stunned by this outburst and shifted his eyes. "What is so funny, sir?" Monogram wiped a tear from his eye and said between laughs, "You, Agent P! Do you really think I'll get rid of you that easily?"

Perry's eyes widened as he listened, "You're the best agent I got, Agent P. You've never failed a mission and you always come back ready for more. You know what, I have a new mission for you, as a matter of fact." Perry waited and said under his breath, "S-sir...?" His heart pounded in his chest rapidly.

"Your new mission," Monogram announced, "You will stay with Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and both of you will find a cure for this transformation. You must not speak with your family and avoid them at all costs. Until you are back to being an ass-kicking, undercover platypus, you stay with Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz and also keep watch of him and devoid him of any evil plots he has ready. Is that understood, Agent P?"

Perry was shocked and utterly apalled at this decision. "Sir! If I may speak, I can_not_ stay with someone like that! I'll go crazy! And my family! I can't just-"

"_Is_ that under_stood_, Agent P?" Monogram boomed.

Perry flinched and nodded. "Yes, sir." He saluted his major as the computer screen faded out.

--

After crawling out of the small secret space from the tree and gasping for air, Perry dusted himself off and fixed his fedora properly. He looked around to make sure no one saw him and looked at his family's home that stood just feet away from him. _'I can't go back...' _he though helplessly._ 'This sucks.'_

The sun had already begun to set, the sky becoming shades of pink, orange, and yellow. Time sure did fly by when you're saving the world. Perry began to walk away towards the sidewalk and back to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated, trying to hold back tears and to shove the thought out of his mind of the possiblity he'll never see his family ever again.

"Excuse me!" a voice cried from behind him. "Wait, hold on!"

Perry looked back and his eyes widened. It was Phineas! And Ferb! Both were holding what looked like fliers. "Thank goodness we caught you!" Phineas excalimed. Perry looked down at his owners was a soft expression, noticing how equally upset the two boys were. "Um, our pet platypus Perry has been missing since this afternoon. He's usually back by now, and he always knows his way back home, so we're really, really worried about him on why he hasn't come back yet..."

The corners of Perry's mouth twitched.

"If you've seen him," Ferb motioned, handing Perry one of the fliers, "please contact us right away."

Perry stared at the flier. He stared long and hard at the stupid thing. It was photo taken of him, Phineas, and Ferb under the tree where they always sat during the summer days. All of them looked happy just being with each other. He slowly folded the piece of paper and stuffed it in the coat pocket, nodding in reassurance. "Thanks, mister." Phineas waved, and both he and Ferb began to walk away and back into the house.

Perry's throat felt tight, and he choked up a bit, but managed to yell out, "Wait!"

The stepbrothers turned around and were both enveloped by a soft, yet tight hug from the "stranger". Perry felt the tears forming fast in his eyes and whispered softly to them, "Don't worry. I'll do everything it takes to get him back." Before they could respond, Perry was out of sight, running, running far away from them.

Phineas stared at the direction he ran in, and said, "Ferb? Did he seem... a little bit, uh, _familiar_?"

Ferb stared as well. "Now that you mention it... yes."

Phineas shook his head and headed toward the house. "Come on," he sighed, "let's go inside."

--

Doofenshmirtz paced back and forth, writing furiously on blank pieces of paper and then tossing them on the floor. He groaned loudly in frustration and collapsed on his couch, glaring back up at the ceiling. "This is ridiculous! What am I going to do without Perry the Plat- Perry? I can't be an evil genius anymore... which means I..." he gulped, "I HAVE TO GET A REAL JOB."

He smothered his face with his hands and growled when a knock came at his door. He almost didn't hear it through the sounds of his own despair, but ultimately shouted, "IT'S OPEN!"

The door creaked open and shut immediately. Doofenshmirtz looked up and was surprised to see Perry standing there, looking solumn and his eyes red and puffy. He looked like he'd been crying. He looked like he's been running a marathon. And he looked like hell.

"Perry the Platy- PERRY?" Doofenshmirtz gaped out._ 'I really gotta start cutting that habit of saying his full name...' _he thought. "What are you doing here? I thought you resigned? Besides, I don't have anymore evil schemes and I took all the kittens back to the pet store-"

"I'm here on a mission." Perry replied confidently. "You and I have been forced to work together under classified circumstances to come up with a reverse potion for what happened to me. You have no choice but to cooperate, Doctor."

Heinz scoffed and cocked his head to the side. "Oh, reeeeeally?" he mocked. "And what happens if I refuse?"

"Then you will be arrested without warning, sent to state prison for every evil scheme you attempted to carry out on the entire Tri-State Area and become someone's bitch faster than you can say "-inator"."

Doofenshmirtz and Perry stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. It was then when the mad man replied,

"So, tell me what we should do to fix you."


	3. Get Off of Me, Damn It!

Thank you so so much for your awesome reviews so far guys! I am very glad everyone likes what I've written so far since this is my first fic for this fandom- I am especially pleased to know that no one is too OOC for your tastes, lol. That is my primary focus on my fanfics is to make sure I get into depth with the characters and keep them in their original state and personality as well. Of course, sometimes having them do stuff out of character is necessary, butttt that's not until later~

Now, enough chit-chat, and more AWKWARD SLASH

--

Perry sat upon Doofenshmirtz's couch in his office, previously as before. The lab coat he wore was still on, however, he had rummaged through the doctor's closet and had found a pair of pants, but they were too long and covered his feet entirely. He calmly sipped a cup of coffee that was served for him and carefully watched the doctor write and toss papers into the trash. He was trying to come up with ways to reverse the potion he had created that turned Perry into a smartass-of-a-human, and it had already been almost two days since the misfortune happened. That's all he had been doing for the past day and a half; writing a formula, studying it, and then throwing it in the trash. Then it was back to square one.

Write-Study-Toss-Rinse and repeat.

Heinz glared up from his paperwork at Perry, who was now up walking around and observing his office. "You know, Perry, you can come and help me out over here! Weren't you ALSO supposed to come and help me on this stupid mission of yours?" Perry turned from whatever he was looking at to stare at him and replied, "Yes, I was. However," he ran over and jumped on the couch again, lying across it. "I'm just sooo tired after being transformed! Being a human can really wear you out, don't you know?" Heinz stood up and pointed an accused finger at the young man.

"YOU'RE tired?! What do you mean you're freaking TIRED?! I've been the one staying up all night trying to help you out, you ungrateful little bastard!" Perry crossed his arms behind his head and sighed. "Well..." Heinz waited for the response, hoping he would finally help him with the formula.

"... no one told you to stay up late."

Twitch, twitch.

With that being said, the maniac doctor lunged himself at Perry, knocking him off the couch and onto the floor. They both got into a small fight, rolling around on the floor and throwing hits and punches at the other. Not to mention, grade A insults.

"Stupid platypus-but-isn't-anymore-because-of-my-intelligent-mind!"

POW.

"Retarded scientist that gets nowhere with _anything_!"

WHACK.

"Teal-haired brat!"

BAM.

"Old man!"

Quick pause. "... Touche'."

Perry lied on the floor, his face flushed and panting heavily. Heinz, who was also panting quite hard, had pinned him to the floor and locked his wrists with his own hands above Perry's head. "Look," he said, "I don't like this mission of yours as much as you do! But if we're going to change you back to normal, then we're going to _have_ to work together, got it?!" The young man glared up at him with angry eyes, but his face only got redder. This position was... **really** suggestive, now that he looked around more. Also, since he still hadn't any new clothes since his transformation, that stupid hand-me-down lab coat had crawled up to his mid-thigh during the scuffle. _'This doesn't make things better that... his knee is between my damn legs-!'_ he thought furiously.

Oh, WOW, was it getting hot in this room or something? This crazy doof needs an AC in his office ASAP.

"Perry! I said, got it?!"

He snapped out of his daze and nodded. "Yes! Just... get off of me...!" Heinz saw his nemeses' personal space being invaded and smirked. This was the perfect time to demand orders since this position was making Perry uncomfortable. "Sooo... you don't like it when you're like this? Weak, defenseless, and... practically _offering_ yourself up to _anything_ and _anyone_?"

Perry's eyes snapped open and stared at him in disbelief. "Of course I don't! It's... it feels... weird! And it makes me nervous and hot and all these other stupid human emotions! Just please, please get o-"

"Nah-ah-ahhh," Doofenshmirtz grabbed a hold of Perry's wrists harder, making sure he wouldn't be able to move at all. The younger victim squirmed his body, trying to desperately to get up and run, but it was useless. "If you persist in violence and wanting to beat me time and time again like before, that's going to be the first thing that needs to go. So, no more fighting between _either_ of us- I'll leave you alone, and you'll leave me alone. Basically no more physical pain and blow to our (especially my) egos, okayyyy?"

Perry couldn't take this shit anymore, it was so humiliating being taken advantage of and blackmailed like this! "F-fine... okay. No more fighting, I promise." he said stubbornly and turned his head so that he wasn't looking up at Doofenshmirtz anymore. _'Ugh... I feel like I'm burning up here...' _he thought miserably. _'What the hell, is this how humans feel when someone is on top of them like this?'_

"Good!" Heinz replied happily, "Also, there is onnnne more thing..." Perry shut his eyes and sighed impatiently. "What do you want now, you damn- hahh!" Perry stopped in mid sentence when the older man (who was oblivious to what he was doing) shifted the knee that was between Perry's legs which brushed ever so slightly against him. Perry gulped and whined, "Ge-get off, will you?! This is... so..."

"Nope, like I said, one more thing." he continued, "You need to know, that if you try anything funny or go back on your promise, then I will do the unthinkable to you. I don't care if I go to jail for it or not, but trust me. It WILL be more uncomfortable than the position you're in now. Understand?"

Perry's eyes stared long and hard at Heinz, and vice versa. The doctor was scaring the shit out of him now- he's never heard nor seen him so serious before, and the tone in his voice made that threatening promise sound real and something Perry never wanted to know what he meant by that. His bottom lip trembled as he said, "I don't... like the sound of that."

"You won't like how it feels if I have to resort to that action either."

Perry's breathing became louder until he finally cried, "All right, all right! I promise not to go back on my promise, kick your ass, OR try anything funny around you while I am on this very important mission. I promise, I promise, I promise!" he began whimpering as his face grew redder with both embarrassment and frustration. "Now please, please," he was begging now, which was totally unlike him, "I can't take this anymore, let me up!"

Doofenshmirtz blinked a few times in surprise. Perry was blushing so hard that it looked like he was suffering from a fever and the way he twisted and moved underneath him... he's never seen his arch-nemesis so... willing and...

... cute.

Wait a second, what the fuck?

"DOC! GET **OFF**!"

Without hesitation, Heinz let go of Perry's wrists and sat up, a few inches away from him. "S-sorry about that. I forgot and didn't-" he stopped and stared at Perry who sat up, clenching the lab coat where his heart was and was panting incredibly hard, his face still flushed. He looked as if he would collapse any moment from a heart attack. His teal bangs fell over his shoulders and rested on the side of his face.

_'My heart is beating so fast.' _he thought, _'Damn... I must look like Candace whenever she sees Jeremy walk across the street or Isabella when Phineas says 'hi' to her...'_

His breathing wasn't helping the situation. At all. Jesus Christ, Perry sounded and looked like he just starred in his first porno or something. Heinz shook that thought out of his head and yelled, "Stop sounding like that!" Perry looked up and furrowed his brows together. "What the hell do you mean, 'stop sounding like that'? How do you _want_ me to sound?"

Oh, sweet dead parents of Batman.

Well, you can start by taking that stupid lab coat off and tossing your hair from side to side and then- NO. "D-don't play dumb! The way you're breathing! It's really... ugh, damn... really sexual and erotic and I-"

Silence.

Perry just stared at him. What. What the hell, _really_? REALLY, Doctor D? The little guy facepalm'd like there was no tomorrow as Heinz stood up and cleared his throat.

"You know what, let's go buy you some decent clothes." There. Changing the subject as always a good way to get out of an awkward conversation! Perry stood as well and followed him out the door. As they both walked down the hall in complete silence, both blushing as hard as humanly possible, Perry mumbled,

"You are so fucking stupid."

--

Doofenshmirtz led Perry into some kind of manly store that smelled like cologne that was overused. It smelled awful, and his nose was sensitive to strong scents such as these ones. They left quickly, deciding everything was too expensive (and too smelly).

So they headed to another store in the Tri-State Area's plaza and found a cheap store with pretty decent clothes. "Okay, pick out whatever you want." Doofenshmirtz answered, "Just make sure the clothes fit you and-" before he could finish, Perry was already running around and looking in amazement at all sorts of different clothes that were in stock.

_'Wow, he seems really giddy over clothes...' _Doofenshmirtz thought to himself, but just shrugged and followed him.

Perry picked up a brown, button-up trench coat. It had big pockets on the sides and looked like it would have belonged to Sherlock Holmes, despite not being plaid at all. He tossed it over his shoulder and ran off to find a white long-sleeved shirt and black tie. Now all he needed were pants. He glanced around a couple of times and was a little hopeless in finding any. He sighed until a voice caught his attention.

"Hello, do you need some help?" Perry looked up and saw a blond, short-haired woman in a blue apron and work uniform standing there and smiling. She looked like she was in her early 40's. "Er," Perry stammered, "y-yeah. Do you know where the pants are?" She nodded and motioned him to follow her. They reached a rack with slacks, jeans, and other varieties of pants. Perry's eyes lit up and he beamed. "Thank God, now I can get something that actually fits me."

The woman looked at Perry up and down and noticed that the clothes he was wearing _were_ very baggy and big on him. "Um, pardon me, but..." she spoke, "but, would you like to wear these clothes before you leave?" Perry picked up a pair of black pants. "Uh, sure! That'd be great, actually." She breathed in relief and laughed a little bit, "Okay, good! It's just that I have a son at home who wears baggy clothes as well and I guess I'm just afraid you'll trip and fall and hurt yourself because those clothes are so big on you." Perry chuckled a bit. "Yeah, they're a bit of a drag."

"Perryyyyy!" Heinz called from across the store. "Are you done yet?! We have to get going! The sooner the better, ever heard of it?!"

The woman blinked a couple of times over at him and then back at Perry. "Is that your father?" she asked politely. "Aah-! Uh, n-no, he's my uh... roommate! We go to the same college and he offered to buy me some new clothes." She glanced back at him and then said, "He's in college? Uhm... he looks a lot older than you. I mean... A LOT."

"I think he's only in his late 20's, early-thirties." Perry answered honestly, "He doesn't really talk about his himself, only when he has to, which is when he rants and doesn't even know it."

"Ah, I see." she retorted, "Oh! you need shoes and socks! Hold on, I'll be right back."

Perry stood where he was and waited for her to come back as she ran off. "Hey," a voice grumbled. Perry jumped in surprise at Heinz standing next to him out of nowhere. Whoa, that was freaky. "Don't scare me like that! Sheesh!" He crossed his arms and tapped his foot in annoyance. "You know, we didn't come here so you can flirt with the girls, all right?" Perry looked up at him and frowned. "I am not 'flirting', she's helping me out. She said she was going to bring me-"

"SHOES!" said woman screeched out as she ran up to them, "AND SOCKS!" She bent over, panting as if she had just run a marathon, and placed her hands on her knees. "Here you go! I think they'll go great with your outfit!" Heinz took them from her since Perry's hands were full enough. They were black and pretty shiny, looked like something a lawyer would wear, while the socks were nothing special. Just regular white ones. "How do you know his foot size?" Heinz asked.

"Oooh, just call it a mother's instinct." she answered proudly. "Now let's go pay for all this so you can get out of those old things!" Perry followed her happily while Heinz also did in pursuit. _'What is with all the "old" jokes in this chapter?'_

As soon as they had finished paying for everything, Perry went into the changing station and came out looking like a stereotypical secret agent, like there was no reason to hide it. He still had his trademark fedora on, of course. The woman clasped her hands together and stared at him with sparkles in her eyes. "You look so adooorable!" she cooed.

Doofenshmirtz didn't say anything, just scratched the back of his head and said something under his breath.

Perry breathed in deeply and fixed his fedora a little bit and smiled at the woman. "Thanks for all your help, miss...?"

"Oh, I'm sorry! My name is Brenda." she replied, and smiled very sweetly back at him. Perry nodded and held out his hand to shake hers, "I'm Perry. Thanks again."

"It was my pleasure, Perry." she shook his hand and turned to Heinz. "Now you two take care of each other, you hear? I hope you both graduate college together!" He gave her a 'what-are-you-talking-about' look, but Perry grabbed his wrist and led them both out the door as he waved back at Brenda. "Thank you, ma'am. Bye!"

The door's bell jingled as it opened and the two men were heading back to the D.E.I. building to work on that formula. "Errr, Perry?" Heinz asked, "What did she mean when she said 'graduate college'?" Perry smiled, shrugged, and kept walking, not realizing his hand was still grabbing Heinz's wrist.

The weird thing is, neither of them cared the whole way back.


	4. Struck A Nerve

Thanks for all the reviews guys! Holy crap, I didn't expect so many this time, but I was clearly mistaken. o.o Anyway, it came to my attention that my "Brenda" character is also apparently Jeremy's mother's name as well? Haha, I didn't know and didn't mean to do that, but you can interpret her as a Goodwill store employee I guess, even though it wasn't intentional. LOL

--

"So, let me get this straight. You forgot the original formula for your "Humaninator" failure slash ingenious potion, and now we have nothing to fall back on and I might be stuck like this forever, right? I'm correct, this is what you're saying?"

Perry had his arms crossed in a scolding manner, glaring daggers at Doofenshmirtz, who was twiddling his fingers and smiling nervously. "We-helll, I-I wouldn't say that I necessarily FORGOT, but, uh, yeah. That's pretty much what I'm saying." Well, this was just fan-fucking-tastic. Perry is stuck on this mission forever, under his worst enemy's rules, and he'll never fight crime or see the family that he loves dearly so much **ever** again. Wow, things were turning out worse before they got better. Funny that.

"Hey, look at the bright side!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed suddenly, "At least you have... better... thumbs now..."

If Perry had transformed into dynamite instead of a human, he would have exploded two chapters ago and had taken the moron with him. But since he wasn't, he felt a really long headache coming on instead. He took off his fedora and started waving it around, looking as if he needed to get some fresh air. He sighed and let out a deep breath, collapsing on that oh-so-familiar couch he was always seen sitting or lying upon.

_'He sure likes that couch a lot.' _Heinz thought, walking over to him. Perry stared up at the ceiling, clearly in deep thought. He couldn't believe the situation he was in. Why did it have to be _him_? Why did_ he _have to turn into some young-looking human who didn't need to conceal his identity as Agent P anymore and had no one to lie in bed with at night?

He'd always sleep beside Phineas in bed at night, it made him feel comfortable and safe; especially when there were lightning storms, he was scared shitless whenever one hit. Curled up and warm... he really missed both him and Ferb. Sheesh, he even missed Candace and her annoying screaming and her constant accusations of them at their mother.

He just wanted to go home.

There is only so much Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz one person (or mammal) can take without going crazy.

Perry decided to break the silence finally and sat up. "I honestly don't know what to say, right now, doc." he replied looking up at him through his bangs. "I just..." he sighed again, "I don't know whether I'm upset, depressed, or pissed off beyond all levels at you." Heinz looked down at the floor, feeling just a little bit guilty that Perry was really sad at what he just learned.

Just a little bit.

"Look. Perry. I-I'll do everything I can to try and change you back. I mean, come on. I don't want to go to jail. I won't do well there, you even said that yourself." he scratched the back of his head and huffed under his breath. "So stop being so mopey! It's not like you, and I haven't seen you this way since Peter the Panda came along..." he mumbled the last part about the third Agent P.

Perry twitched at the mentioning of that damned, God-forsaken, wannabe-replacement. Oh, how he hated that jerk, always giving him that look in his eyes that said, "I'm better than you. He likes me more, so HAH." even though no one else could see it. It just made his blood boil whenever he thought of Peter. As if two Agent P's weren't enough... and whenever he beat Heinz's evil schemes! CHRIST, that was enough to make Perry feel like murdering the stupid fluffy thing. _Perry_ was the only one who could defeat Dr. Doofenshmirtz's stupid and evil plots to take over the Tri-State Area! Only _he_ could take him down, be _his_ enemy, and _be_ with him at all times anywhere at anytime.

_'Wait, wait, what was that last part all about?' _he though suddenly, _'Errr... I sound like I'm... obsessed with him.' _Oh, boy. He felt his face getting hot again. Damn it, why did humans have to blush constantly at the smallest things?!

"Anyway, the point is, Perry," Heinz continued, breaking him out of his thoughts, "we may have to start from the beginning, but I'll help you because you're my-"

"DA-AAAD!"

Both men turned to the door to see Vanessa Doofenshmirtz standing at the door with a black backpack and sports bag slung over her shoulder. "Uh, _hello_?" she motioned, "Did you forget that I was visiting today? You forgot to pick me up at the bus station- **again**!"

Perry looked up at him, once again glaring those daggers that pierced his soul (figure of speech, of course). "Oh, uh, that-that's right!" he stuttered. Crap, how could he forget? Charlene wanted her to spend some father-daughter time together and so she though it would be a good idea to send her over for a couple of days. They both knew it was her excuse to take a break and have some me-time to herself, though.

Vanessa set her bags against the wall and walked over to her father, hands on her hips and foot tapping with major annoyance. _'Ehh... she looks like Perry when __**he's**__ angry.'_

"I had to take a freaking cab here, you know!" she barked. "What were you doing that was more important, working on some other evil scheme so I could prove to mom that- eh?" She turned and noticed Perry sitting on the couch. His black eyes stared at her with curiosity (and amusement). She blinked a few times and grabbed the collar of her father's lab coat and whispered, "Uhh, can I talk with you a minute, dad? OVER THERE."

Vanessa dragged him to the other side of the office and when she felt convinced they were out of Perry's earshot distance, she exploded. "IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS?! That-that little green platypus with the cute little hat who's always getting in the way of your plans? Pursy- Plattle-"

"Perry."

"YES! HIM! WHAT DID YOU **DO** TO HIM?!" she began shaking her father back and forth in complete hysteria. "Oooh, just WAIT until mom hears about this one! I don't know what you're planning on doing with him, but I won't let you go through with it this time!" She let go of Heinz and began storming away and up to Perry.

"You!" she boasted. "Aren't you dad's little enemy who helped fix my birthday party that one time? Remember- decorations, lasers, all that good stuff?"

"Y-yeah." he answered a bit meekly. Damn, she was scary. "I remember."

Vanessa began to instantly touch Perry's hair by running her fingers through it, making sure not to tangle it. She then pulled slightly on his clothes and felt the side of his face with her hands, making sure what she was seeing was real. "Oh my GOD." she gaped, "You really ARE him." Perry shook his head, fixing his hair that Vanessa mussed up accidentally.

"Now, look, Vanessa, darling, sweetie," Heinz laughed nervously again, "We're not enemies for the time being. I swear! We're actually trying to find a way to change him back to normal, but... failing miserably." Vanessa eyed them both back and forth. Perry thought she looked just like Phineas' mother whenever Candace told her of the boys' misadventures each day- very scolding and motherly looking all at once.

"You better change him back dad."

"I will."

"By the way, I was teal, not green."

"Well, what difference does that make now?"

"... Good point, Miss Goth Lady."

"My name is Vanessa." she closed her eyes and placed a hand on her neck, continuously staring at Perry. "Well, this is a bit weird and awkward, now isn't it?" Heinz walked over to his desk and sat down, looking more tired than usual. "This is so stuuupid." he sighed. "I mean, I can't believe that I forgot that damn formula. Now we have to begin from scratch which may end up horribly awry and-"

Grooooowwwwl.

Vanessa and Heinz looked at Perry, who was holding his stomach and in embarrassment. "I... uh, yeah... hungry."

She turned sharply at her father and raised an eyebrow. "Have you given him ANYTHING to eat, dad? How long have you been like this, dude?" Perry looked up at the ceiling and answered, "Almost three days." She gasped slightly and pulled him up. "Well, it looks like not only will I be staying here, but cooking as well (how unbelievably shocking). _You're_ coming with me to the grocery store."

Before Perry could say anything, he was literally dragged out the door and the next thing he knew, he was in the rice and grain aisle in the middle of a supermarket.

"Perry," Vanessa spoke, "what kind of food do you, like, eat and stuff? I've never had a pet platypus before, so I wouldn't really. Know." Perry was currently holding two baskets filled with multiple items and shrugged. "I dunno," he responded, "I just ate whatever scraps my family had left for me. I'm used to cooked food, so, anything, I guess." Vanessa picked up a box of chicken-flavored Rice-A-Roni and tossed 4 more boxes into the basket. "Hot food. Spoiled then, huh? I can only cook so much, so you're stuck with whatever I make." she declared.

Vanessa realized that maybe she was being just a _tad _bit hard on Perry, and decided to add, "Hope you don't mind." to sound like less of a bitch. She wasn't a rude person, per say, she just... hated everyone in general. Her hate was non-discriminatory.

"Well, I guess that'll do for now." she decided. "At least it'll be enough so dad won't have us starve to death. Especially himself." Perry began following her to the check-out counter, and was a little surprised at what she had just said. "What do you mean? Does he... have an eating disorder or something?" Vanessa spun to look at him and then began laughing hysterically. "N-no! Nothing like that. Although it is a little bit ironic that over one million men and boys suffer from anorexia. Shouldn't that, like, be a _girl_ thing? Never knew boys could be so insecure since they always laugh off jokes and... an-anyway, no, he doesn't have a disorder at all. Besides being completely batshit insane and evil.

It's just- this one time I came to visit him and found him collapsed in his lab. I was... scared and thought he was dead for a second, I panicked, but then I realized he just passed out from starvation. I guess he just worked too much and forgot to eat." she laughed a bit, "Wasn't the first time I came across him like that."

"That'll be $72.89." the cashier confirmed.

"Hmph," Vanessa grunted. "he's lucky I brought over $200 from mom..."

Perry stood next to her and grabbed the bags, intently listening to her. He never knew Heinz was so... _passionate_ about his work. I mean, of course an evil scientist would be busy and everything, but even villains got a break, right? Looked like he was in a bit of an overdrive. It made Perry a little... worried about Doofenshmirtz.

"Alright, let's get out of here, Pear." Vanessa announced as she began walking out the automatic doors. Perry snapped his head up and jogged towards her, "O-oh, yeah! Right." They both traveled back the building in a comfortable silence, with nothing but the sounds of birds chirping, children playing and cars speeding by them to fill the gap. The only daughter of Doofenshmirtz noticed when Perry sighed in frustration, but didn't say anything, in respect (and not really caring) of his personal space.

_'Stupid, confusing, human emotions.'_

--

Vanessa kept her hair in a ponytail as steam rose up from the chicken breasts and rice she was preparing on the stove. _'Ugh, I'm sweating up a storm here...' _she thought, disgusted and wiped said sweat from her brow and nose. "At least dad had a cafeteria here. Hmm... I wonder what else he has here in this building... no doubt, evil science-y things, but maybe he has spare rooms here... with beds."

She chuckled and took out three plates and silverware from the higher cupboards. _'Yeah right.'_

"DINNER'S READY!" she boomed, untying her hair.

Despite being on the 7th floor and Vanessa being on the 1st, both men heard her as clear as day and made it down in less than a couple of seconds.

The tables in the cafeteria were long and rectangular. Perry and Doofenshmirtz sat across from each other while Vanessa sat on the side, sort of looking like she was between them. "This smells. Really good." Perry complimented. "Thanks, Vanessa."

"Meh." she shrugged and shoved a spoonful of rice in her mouth. "You're going to eat too, dad. You scare the crap out of me when I catch you knocked out over your desk and what-not."

"Yeah, yeah," Doofenshmirtz said, "whatever, I'll only eat because you put so much hard work into cooking. Thanksalot."

She smirked. "So. Perry. What's it like to change from a mammal to a person? Did it feel weird?"

Perry gave her a confused look. "Er, well, I felt a little bit _heavier_. I just hope I don't have to experience this forever. You guys make being human look so easy, I almost fell trying to learn how to walk once I got up from the stupid floor." At that moment, Heinz nearly spit out the water he was drinking and started laughing. "It's true!" he exclaimed. "Oh MAN, now THAT was funny! You looked so helpless trying to get back up, like a little kid or something! Hahaha!"

Perry blushed. "Oh, yeah, thanks for helping me the first time I fell. I felt like passing out from the shock that I had longer and heavier limbs to walk on."

Vanessa nodded and continued eating while her father calmed himself down as he did the same.

Perry twirled his spoon with his fingers. He knew how to operate things as an agent, so operating this... silverware attire wasn't so hard. Besides, he learned more after watching Phineas and Ferb eating with them a few times.

"You miss your family?" she asked.

Perry looked up from his plate and stared at her. "Of course I... do. Why wouldn't I? Isn't family supposed to be the most important thing in the world to everyone?" Vanessa immediately thought of her parents' divorce but instead ignored the question and went on. "What about your little friends at your, uh, agency?"

"We don't talk to each other. We only stick to our missions and enemies. Don't really have time to make any friends or anything, really."

"That sucks."

"Yeah."

_Clank, clank, slide_- and that's all that was left that evening in the cafeteria.

The sound of silverware scrapping across plates and the breathing of three entirely different individuals.

--

**NB:** There you have it! CHAPTER CUATROOO I just want to make a few notes before I go:

1) I'm not a platypus expert, so I'm not sure if they have thumbs or not. I heard somewhere that males have poisonous thumbs on the back of their little feet, but other than that, I'm clueless.

2) When Vanessa talks about there being over 1 million men and boys being anorexic (which is a fact), her comment about it is just something I thought _**she**_ would say. *I myself* know that _every_ gender feels insecure about themselves and are willing to change themselves in the most deadliest of ways. So, don't start flaming me and starting a disorder rant on me because I've been there. My mother suffered through bullimia and was addicted to every drug in the book but quit once she became pregnant with me. She said I "saved her life" which is something that will always run through my head for the rest of my life. However, I am also incredibly insecure with myself at times and occasionally force myself to throw up when I fear I eat too much.

I'm afraid I'll become my mother one day.

3) I know we don't really get a really good look inside the rest of _**Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated**_, so I'll just take a gander and be creative with it for the rest of the story, lol.

NOW I AM OFF TO EAT RICE-A-RONI AND PRACTICE MY BASS


	5. Astraphobia

Two chapters in one day? THIS IS ABSOLUTE MADNESS MY DEAR BOY.

(make a 300 joke and I won't update in forever)

Things start spicing up in this chapter. SSSSPPPIIICCCYYYY

--

After dinner was finished, the three headed back up to Heinz's office to get their things together. It was barely nine o'clock at night, but they were all extremely tired and exhausted. However, once they went back into the room, they saw that it had begun to rain heavily from through the window. Vanessa and Heinz didn't think much of it, but Perry was a different story.

_'Oh, God,' _he thought desperately, _'please don't let it be a lightning storm...'_

"Okay, so, there are a couple of rooms that are vacant on the 8th floor." Doofenshmirtz announced. "This whole entire building used to be a hotel until I took over, so. Yeah."

Vanessa grabbed her bags that were still currently lying against the wall and opened her father's office door. "Just go up the elevator one floor and the entire hall is yours." She muttered an "okay" and was off, leaving the two alone. Perry took off his brown trench coat and tie, yawning deeply. Doofenshmirtz gave him a dirty look and the younger man looked up at him, his eyes shifting back and forth. "What, me too?"

"Uh, yeah! You're not sleeping on the couch in MY office, that's for sure!" he exclaimed, waving his arms around. "This room is personal and private. You're lucky you even set foot in here, not counting the multiple times you broke down my door and destroyed my walls..." Perry shifted nervously with an uncomfortable expression on his face. "I just... think I'll feel... SAFER down here. That's all."

Heinz scoffed but was not willing to pursue any further. "Fine, whatever keeps your pants on at night. See ya."

The door shut with a 'click' and Perry was left in the room with the most confused and disturbed look ever. _'What... what kind of figure of speech was THAT?! Keep my pants...'_

"AUGH!" Perry grabbed his trench coat and covered himself with it, hiding his face with the popped collar. "WHAT AN IDIOT!"

--

BOOM.

Perry hadn't shut his eyes. If he had, it was to shield himself from the loud crashes of lightning that had currently been exploding outside in the pouring rain. It had been three hours and he had never been so scared in his life.

Alone.

In the dark.

With no one beside him to show he would be alright and protected.

Oh, fuck, don't start crying now. Secret agents don't cry!

...

Perry whimpered helplessly and before the next crash of lightning could be heard, he was already in the elevator and up to the 8th floor. He clutched his trench coat tightly, so tight his knuckles were turning white. If he just had someone to sleep next to then maybe he wouldn't be so paranoid and freaked out right now. Maybe... well, Vanessa was _kind_ of like Phineas... no, wait, no, they were nothing alike. But they _did_ get along better than himself and Doofenshmirtz. Perry sighed and decided to smell her out in which room she was.

The hall was pitch black, save for a window at the end of it.

When he found her scent, he went over to the door and grabbed the door handle. He jiggled it, but swore under his breath when it wouldn't open. _'Damn it... of course, she's a girl. Girls lock their doors for some stupid reason...'_

He had no choice- he needed to find his sworn enemy's room.

BOOM, BOOM, CRASHHH.

Perry squealed like a Japanese school girl and without even thinking opened a random room door, slammed, and locked it. He gasped for air, he was breathing way too hard. Great, to add to his fear, now he had to be scared of passing out. He calmed himself down as hard as he possibly could and searched the room. Huh, the bed looked a little funny...

Since when did beds have brown, medium-length, messy hair?

... wait.

Wait, wait, WAIT a minute.

Perry's eyes widened as he walked over to the bed and saw Doofenshmirtz sleeping like a rock in the bed, covers over him. He slapped himself mentally and breathed slowly, in and out. How weird that he ended up in the same room he was sleeping in. What a coincidence!

Perry was not amused. Not at all.

BOOOOM!

The flash of lightning made Perry jump so hard that he dropped his coat and ran under the covers. He was shaking violently now, he couldn't fucking _stand_ this horrible weather. Doofenshmirtz's eyes opened slightly when he felt something warm next to him and shot/sat up in shock and surprise. "PEH-PEH-PEH-PERRY?!" he screamed. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!" Perry didn't answer, and only continued to shake harder.

"Perry! Answer me! What's gotten into you?!"

He shook his head as quick and hard as he could, refusing to answer back. Heinz was getting irritated now- he grabbed Perry's arm and lifted him up and glared at him in the eyes. Their faces were inches apart.

"Look! I don't know what's gotten into you, but you need to-" he stopped instantly when he saw the smaller figure better.

Perry was... crying.

"Per-Perry?" his voice was a little softer, if that was possible for someone of his standards. "Are you _crying_?" Perry slapped Heinz's hand off his arm and furrowed his eyebrows, trying to blink away his tears. "NO! I'M NOT! It's... it's the reflection... from the window-"

Another crash of lightning, this time, it was harder and louder.

Perry's eyes snapped open wide and buried his head against Heinz's chest, holding on to him with both arms for dear life. "I-I-I can't stand this kind of weather!" he screamed through sobs, "I know you're... not a weatherman or anything and you can't stop it, bu-bu-but I just need SOMEONE to sleep next to! I'm not-I'm not used to sleeping by myself, especially through these kinds of storms!"

Heinz literally could not believe what he was hearing or seeing. Since when was Agent P afraid of _anything_? He went up against everything scary there is in the world, especially playing chess with Death and always winning. Nothing could bring him down to his knees, Heinz knew that, but now..._ lightning_? Natural matter of Mother Earth?

Mucormycosis or netting would have been more fitting.

Yet, here Perry is, sobbing and frightened for his life, hugging Doofenshmirtz with no intent of letting go. This was a really unbelievable scene between the two, considering they were supposed to be enemies. Heinz shifted his eyes to the side and patted Perry's head. "L-look. Perry. You can stop crying now, I'll let you... **sleep with me.**" Perry lifted his face and stared into Heinz's eyes, that puppy-dog look making Heinz blush just ever so slightly.

"J-JUST for tonight!"

Perry nodded and wiped his eyes. "'K-k-kay..." He turned to the side and lied back down on the bed. Heinz shook his head and mumbled about something irrational. He ran his fingers through his hair and crashed down onto his side of the bed. They were both facing opposite directions. _'Why'd it have to be me?'_

"I... don't care who I sleep with right now," Perry answered, "When you're frightened and scared for your life, you'll reach out for help to ANYONE."

Doofenshmirtz's eyes widened but didn't say anything. Was Perry a mind-reader or something? He closed his eyes and decided to deal with all this in the morning. It was way too late to start this shit up again.

Getting to sleep wasn't going to be easy though.

Perry had begun whimpering again since the lightning storm had not stopped. Heinz opened his eyes in annoyance and sighed. "Perry, are you serious?"

"I-I can't help it!" Perry cried as he turned to face Heinz, who was also turned over to face Perry in return. "Don't blame me because I have a severe phobia problem!" Heinz rolled his eyes and sat up once again. "Come here." he said. Perry's hands were shaking, but he managed to lift himself up and sit in an upright position.

"Vanessa used to be afraid of lightning storms, too." he began, "She would always walk into my and Charlene's room in the middle of the night and ask to sleep with us because she was afraid that the "lightning would get her" or something like that. But even sleeping beside us wouldn't help her get to sleep, so Charlene would..."

Perry waited.

"THE POINT IS she just made her feel better, understand?" Heinz coughed. "I don't-I don't want to do the same thing to you because, well, we're both enemies. It wouldn't be right and... yeah. There." Perry furrowed his eyebrows hard and gulped. "Whatever Charlene had done to Vanessa made her get over her fear, right? Well... I don't care what it is, just do it to me! I don't want to live in fear for the rest of my life, you know?" Heinz coughed again, this time harder.

"Yeah, but PERRY, her fear didn't just magically go away in ONE DAY, Charlene did that for God knows how long. You can't just instantly get over life-long fears." Perry gave his trademark look of determination. "Then I'll sleep with you for "God-knows-how-long"! JUST DO IT!" he bellowed.

Heinz flinched back a bit. "ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! But only because I am incredibly tired and because I want to SLEEP." Perry gripped the bed covers and nodded. "Fine, but just-"

CRASHCRASH BOOOOOM!

"HUAAAAAAH!" Perry hid his face in his hands and felt the tears coming back. "Make it stop, make it stop make it stoppp-!" Heinz clenched his hair and breathed in deeply. _'I can't believe I'm doing this...'_

"Makeitstopmakeitstopmake it-"

Perry stopped spazzing when he felt warm lips press against his forehead and arms wrap around his waist. His eyes widened as far as they could and his face got hotter than ever before._ 'Wh... what-?'_

Heinz pushed Perry down onto the bed and as he lay down himself, he wrapped his right arm around Perry's waist, keeping a hold of him. Their bodies pressed against each other as Perry breathed in softly against Heinz's collar bone.

"Now shut the hell up and sleep."

Perry felt his eyes shut quite immediately, and for the rest of the night, didn't wake up once.

--

The next morning was brutal.

The sun shone brighter than ever through the window in the room and a loud knock was heard at the door.

"Hey, dad!" Vanessa yelled out, "I didn't make breakfast for nothing! Get the hell up! YOU TOO PERRY!" Her boots were heard stomping on the hall floor and the elevator's 'ding' sound could be heard if one listened closely.

"Uggghn..." Heinz murmured and held on to Perry harder. _'Waaaait a second...' _He sat up in a hurry, remembering the events of last night and was hesitant to even look at Perry in the face. It took him a moment, but when he turned to face him, his expression softened and he calmed down.

Perry had been sleeping peacefully, surprisingly, not even Vanessa's evil screeching was enough to even _stir_ him. He looked... innocent. Psh, didn't even look like a secret agent. Just a regular person. When Heinz felt a smile tug at his mouth he blinked himself back into reality and held his face in his hands. "AaaaAAUUUUGH!" he moaned, "I... KISSED HIM. AND I HELD ONTO HIM!** ALL. NIGHT. **This is not good... What the fuck was in the food Vanessa made?! Why am I thinking of... grrr... and-and am I blushing?! Hold on... what...?"

He lifted the covers from his legs and slapped himself across the head, his face as red as the first curve of a rainbow at a gay pride parade.. "UGH! GOD. DAMMIT!"

He stormed off from the bed and into the bathroom that the room had and turned on the shower faucet.

It was a cold, cold shower.

--

I don't know if many people are going to get the cold shower joked at the end. LOLLEARNINGSTIME

You see, children, when a man wakes up with an ERECTION, they usually take a COLD SHOWER to get rid of it because IT'S FREEZING AND UNWANTED in the morning. Unless you're into all that kinky stuff.

YAYYYY CHAPTER 5


	6. Carpal Tunnel of Love

**READ READ READ THE BOLD TEXT!!!**

**As you guys are reading this, and are picturing the characters in their original cartoon form and it disturbs or kind of makes you uncomfortable, then view my profile under "Gift Art and Other Groovy Stuff" to see what they would look like in MY style! I think it would make you a little less freaked out, lol.**

Thanks for all the reviews again guys YOU ARE ALL JUST ONE BIG BUCKET OF AWESOME SAUCE

**A** **hotokeu-chan:** Gracias para el traducir mi fanfic para de habla hispana personas. Aprecio mucho y me hace feliz es gustas él bastantes traduce. Lo leí, y ¡muy me impresionan! Lo sieto, my espanol es muy malo... XD Otra vez, ¡gracias, gracias, gracias! 3

--

Perry awoke to the sound of running water and sat up and yawned, rubbing his eyes. Good lord, what _time_ was it? He stretched and looked around the room he was in and suddenly felt the hairs on the back of his neck and arms stick up.

Oh. My. GOD.

Last night, they-!

He! And... DOOFENSHMIRTZ!

He clamped a hand over his mouth as a blush crept up his face. _'Oh. Oh, THIS IS JUST GREAT.' _Perry thought, falling back on the bed and messing his hair up and moaning (quite loudly) in angry frustration. This was another reason why he hated lightning storms: they made him get incredibly out of character and afraid for his life and now he turned to his most unlikely Phineas-and-Ferb-stand-in and slept beside him all night as his arch-nemesis held him close and tight against his chest.

Perry was now convinced that God hated secret agents. Just look at James Bond and all the shit he got put through.

He rose up from the bed and through the covers off of him, looking like a child throwing a temper tantrum and stormed out the door._ 'This is just completely ridiculous!' _he thought in a fury. He pushed the elevator button as hard as he could, and the doors slid open. Perry waited for the doors to shut on their own and held his forehead in his hand. _'I can't believe this...'_

Beep, beep, beep!

Perry snapped his eyes open and heard his watch going off and on._ 'Holy shit, that scared me.' _He forgot he had it on, but how could he- that was all he ever wore was the fedora and watch.

Well, what he _used_ to only always wear.

He clicked the side of his watch and Major Monogram appeared on the small screen. "Agent P! Glad to see you are doing all right." he said. "How goes the mission?" Perry rubbed the back of his neck and coughed slightly. "It-it's going well, sir. We haven't started on the formula yet because the idiot lost the original, but we've been-"

He remembered the kiss from last night.

That... stupid, inconceivable, motherfucking-!

"- brainstorming." he lied, turning his head to face the floor.

Major Monogram raised an eyebrow. "Uuuh," he muttered, "You're not... _sick_, are you Agent P?" Perry looked up quickly and shook his head. "No, sir, why do you ask?" The major scratched his temple. "Well, your face is red. _Very, very red. _You don't have a fever do you? Did something hap-" Carl interrupted him when he appeared along side the major with wide eyes.

"Doofenshmirtz didn't do anything DIRTY to you, did he Agent P?!" he cried. "I'm talking tied up to a bed post with your hands bound together with his own leather belt, whip in hand, talking in an evil and sadistic tone as you cried out for help as he forced you to-"

He stopped himself when he noticed the disturbed expressions of Monogram and Perry, staring at him in an equally 'what-the-fuck' manner. Carl laughed a bit and scooted back, controlling the camera again, "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN **READING**?!" Monogram managed to yell out. Carl looked nervous and replied, "Uh, heh, heh. Sorry about that. Too much... internet."

If a human's body had the ability to take all of the blood from the rest of the body and make it rush straight to the face, that's what Perry would look like right now. And he did, face in palm, completely silent and embarrassed as bloody hell.

Monogram cleared his throat and faced Perry again, "An-anyway Agent P, good luck on your mission. We'll contact you... again, once we... JESUS, CARL, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SITES DO YOU** GO **TO?!"

The watch bleeped out and Perry fell to the elevator floor, sighing. He respected Major Monogram and Carl with his entire being, but... sometimes they can be just a slight bit stupid with the most weirdest ideas ever. It made Perry what they did for the rest of the day.

He shuddered. Never mind, he didn't want to know.

The elevator doors slid open and Perry stood up, walking straight into the kitchen smelling food.

"Oh,_ fiiiinally_." Vanessa said in a sarcastic tone. "Took you long enough, the breakfast is almost cold. Where's dad at?"

Perry heard, but didn't respond and sat down at the table, head in hands once again. He was too caught up in everything- life was going by faster, days were shorter, and he still couldn't figure out why the hell he burned up inside whenever Doofenshmirtz was around. It never happened before, so why now? As a platypus, the only thing Perry felt around him was determination to kick his ass and save the day. Now, as a human, he felt hot and bothered and that he should just be renamed Candace the II.

Vanessa raised an eyebrow and happily took off the apron she was currently wearing. It was pink and frilly with white lace, which didn't suit her. At all. She walked over to where Perry was and sat across from him. "Why so blue, dude? Speak up."

Perry sighed heavily. Maybe Vanessa could help. She was a girl (s-sort of) and knew more about people's emotions running wild than he did. "Hey," he began, first in a low tone but then his voice got louder, "do... do you know this... _thing_ humans feel when they see someone else and then they get all... warm and feel like they're going to pass out whenever they get close to you? Like, mmf... how do I put this- your heart beats super fast when they barely even touch you or even... hug and kiss you?"

Vanessa's eye widened with surprise, but her tone was completely calm. "You mean... love?"

Perry instantly died inside.

--

"Come on guys! Do something so I can bust youuu!"

Candace was currently whining at her brothers. Both boys were depressed and did nothing fun or exciting as they usually did everyday. Even Ferb was quieter than usual (and that was just a little bit more creepy). All they had been doing for the past four days was copying missing posters of Perry and hanging them all around the Tri-State Area. They even repeated themselves to make their point clear by putting posters on top of the posters they had already hung up.

They were actually wasting the summer days away.

"Sorry, Candace," Phineas answered, "we're just not in the mood." Candace's eyebrows furrowed together. "But, I mean-! You guys have always done things without Perry! Why should this time be any different?" Phineas shrugged. "I dunno. Probably because he always came back at the end of the day?"

Ouch.

They did have a point.

"So... what?" Candace crossed her arms and decided to go tough-love on them, "You're just going to sit inside all day moping around?" Phineas and Ferb got off the couch and didn't say anything, but instead walked up to their room. Candace's frown deepened. "Oh, man... they're really upset about Perry." Well, her summer would be a complete waste too if they stopped their regular adventures! But what could she do?

Candace stepped outside the front door and decided to go for a walk into town.

"Hey, Candace!" a voice called. She spun around and saw Jeremy riding his bike and coming towards him. _'GASPohmyGodit'sJeremy!' _she thought rapidly, feeling those familiar butterflies fluttering in her stomach again. He caught up to her and pushed his feet on the ground to stop. "I, uh, heard about your little brothers missing their pet platypus." he said apologetically. "I'm really sorry about that, they must be down in the dumps." Candace's bright smile turned into another deep frown. "Oh, yeah, they're... really bummed out."

She sighed and sat down on the sidewalk curb. "I just don't know what to do!" she explained. "I mean, if they're sad then I won't be able to bust them to my mom about building another rocket ship or redesigning and stealing our parent's car for some sort of drag race!" Jeremy raise a blond eyebrow but listened and sat down next to her. "Oooh, this is just HOPELESS." she concluded and dropped her head, causing her long orange hair to fall over her face in despair.

"Is that all they've been doing, is putting up missing posters?" he asked out of curiosity. Candace nodded, her hair bouncing along. Jeremy put a hand on his chin and then smiled. "Well, why don't you send out a search party for him? Like, get a big group of people together and just search the entire city. Go out of town if you need to! Then you just might find the little guy, your brothers won't be depressed anymore, everyone will be happy, and then you can, uh, bust your brothers like always! (Or something...)"

Candace stared straight ahead of her and slowly began to smile. She then stood up with ultimate confidence, "That's a GREAT idea!" She pulled out her cell phone and began dialing furiously. "Stacy? It's me, Candace. gather everyone together and meet at my place! Don't ask questions, just hurry!" She shut her phone and turned to Jeremy, "Thanks, Jeremy, you're the greatest guy ever!"

That was when she did the unthinkable to herself: she pulled him down and planted a kiss on his lips.

When she pulled back and came back to reality, she stood back a little bit. Her face was a bright pink and she couldn't find the words to speak. "Uh-I- GOTTA GO." With that, she ran off back to her house. A young child across the street could have mistaken her for Sonic the Hedgehog, she was running so fast.

Jeremy just stared blankly into the direction Candace left in and smiled and laughed a bit. "Uh, heh! You're welcome."

--

Perry was pacing in a panicked state, back and forth in front of Vanessa. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCKING SHIT! **FUCK EVERYTHING**!"

Vanessa's eyes were still wide in shock and surprised at Perry's current actions and choice of words. "L-look, calm down. Just come sit back down..." Perry stared at one of the chairs as if it were a ninja about to attack, but did so. She grabbed Perry's hand and squeezed it. "Now breath innn and ouuut. Deeply!"

Perry did. He felt better, his head felt a little bit lighter, though. Or was that a good thing?

"Okay, good." Vanessa said and let go of his hand. "Now, why did you want to know? Don't mammals feel the same thing when they find a mate or something?" Perry shook his head. "Not, really. It's usually just wham-bam-thank you ma'am (1). You find someone to have kids with and then you're off. It's not like... animals or mammals get married or have a long relationship with each other. Very few do, but... it's pretty rare. It's just natural instinct."

"So, you're basically saying you and every other animal out there is a whore?" Vanessa remarked.

Perry flinched and tried to hold back morbid laughter. "NO! What I mean is- I've never..."

Vanessa scooted out of her chair and was grinning like the Cheshire Cat. "YOU'VE NEVER SCREWED ANOTHER PLATYPUS BEFORE?!" she began laughing hysterically. "OH MY GOD, I THOUGHT THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL TAUGHT ME THINGS, BUT **REALLY**, PERR?!" Perry had an annoyed expression on his face and glared at Vanessa. "HEY! I was sold after birth, okay?! I was little, and all I ever knew was a roof over my head!"

Vanessa sat back down, but continued snickering. "Okay, okay, I'm done." she cleared her throat, but still grinned at Perry.

"At least I knew I had a family that loved me." Perry replied softly, folding his arms on the table. "I never knew my dad since he left right after mom got pregnant, and mom was released somewhere after me and my sisters were big enough to be on our own. My real parents... never really cared."

Vanessa listened and locked her fingers together. She now looked serious again and decided to change the subject. She didn't enjoy talking about 'parents' either. "So, why'd you suddenly ask me about _these_ feelings? Got someone on your mind?"

Perry blinked a couple of times and turned his head, avoiding the "who" part. "Are-are you sure it's really... _that_?" He couldn't bring himself to say the word. Love was a strong and controversial emotion. Weren't there other types of ways to tell you were... in _that_ with someone else?

"Well..." Vanessa trailed off and thought of Johnny. She smiled slightly and looked back at Perry. "It depends. There are many different ways to care about someone, Perr. The list is pretty endless. Emotions confuse a lot of people, trust me. Sometimes, we're in love and we've never known it. Sometimes, we're not in love but think we are. Wait, hold on, let me write some things down."

She left the kitchen, leaving Perry alone. When she came back, she had a pen and piece of computer paper, writing all over it. She handed it to Perry and he began reading it to himself.

_WEIRD LOVE-LIKE EMOTIONS_

_1. Falling in love the first time you see someone you've never met or talked to before ("love at first sight", but I don't believe in this one).  
2. Having a friend or best friend and caring for them deeply or actually willing to pursue a relationship with them.  
3. Willing to do anything just to have that other person love you back (desperate).  
4. Obsessing over someone can often times be mistaken for love. Be careful of this one- it's really bad and unhealthy to obsess.  
5. Hating someone for a long time, but soon you find yourself loving and wanting to be with that person ("opposites attract").  
6. Lusting over someone just because you want to have sex with them, there is no love.  
7. Maybe you **feel** like you love someone, but then soon find out they're not filling that gaping hole in your heart._

_That's all I could think of. (a little smiley face with vampire fangs was drawn after that sentence)  
_

Perry looked up from the list and at Vanessa then back at the list. Wow, this "love" emotion was really stupid and confusing. It made Perry's brain hurt. "So, you can be in love with someone but later found out you're not, or you could think something is love, but it really isn't? Only lust?" Vanessa tilted her head. "Well, when you put it that way, it's hard to make out what you're saying, but... I... guess? I'M ONLY 16 PERRY, LEAVE ME ALONE."

Perry glanced back down at the list and read through it again. It can't be number one, he's never heard of such a thing as falling in love with someone you've never met before; it kind of tied in with number six, so those two were out. Perry and Doofenshmirtz were NOT friends in any way, shape, or form, but Heinz did mention that Perry was his best friend on that stupid talk-show. Buteven though it was a trap, Perry didn't feel the same way, friend-wise, so count number two out. Number seven was out from the beginning since Perry was never in any kind of romantic relationship with anybody and numbers three and four sounded too much like Candace. All three were out.

Number five was taunting Perry the most though.

Could this be it? Did he really hate Doofenshmirtz because he was in... _love_ with him? But that sounded really stupid once you think about it and doesn't make any sense. But then again, the hate be masking a hidden emotion within him; he could be denial. Or did he only _think_ he was in lo-

"AAAUGH! WHY IS BEING A HUMAN SO CONFUSING, VANESSA?!" he cried out hopelessly and slammed his head on the table. He gave up.

Vanessa continued thinking about Johnny with a love-stricken grin on her face. "Oh, Johnny... I love you, too..." she mumbled in complete un-Vanessa-like bliss.

At that moment, Doofenshmirtz came walking in, dressed in the usual with his hair hanging down on the sides of his face since he had just gotten out of the shower (a _much needed_ shower). He stopped in his tracks when he noticed Perry moaning loudly in despair and Vanessa staring into space with a goofy-looking smile and look in her eyes. He stepped over to where they were and stood at the edge of the table. "Uh, did I miss something here?" he asked. "You guys are-are starting to freak me out just a little bit-"

"IT'S YOUR FAULT I FEEL LIKE THIS!" Perry screamed, jolting up, "YOUR. FUCKING. FAULT!" He ran out of the kitchen leaving a confused-stricken Doofenshmirtz to question what in the name of all that was holy he had meant by that. He decided to deal with it later on and turned to Vanessa. "What's wrong with Perry?" he asked, shoving his thumb in the direction the once-platypus ran off into.

Vanessa was still lost in La-La Land and answered, "Oh, he's in love or something. Asked me for help. Hormones. Breakfast. Yeah. Johnny, you are so awesome..."

"In... WHAT, HE'S WHAT?!"

His daughter stood up and shoved her chair under the table, looking serious once again. "By the way, I don't know why Perry was with you in _your_ bedroom last night-" she shoved a finger and jammed it in Heinz's chest, "but if you do ANYTHING weird to him, you are a DEAD MAN. Father or not, I **WILL** wreck you, dad." She stomped off out of the kitchen and down the hall.

Doofenshmirtz stood there completely dumbfounded. "WHAT THE HELL, IS IT A FULL MOON TONIGHT OR SOMETHING?!"

--

(1) The appropriate term for this is "yarinige". In Japanese, it basically means to have sex and break off with the person without speaking to them again. I got this term from the wonderful yaoi manga, _The Tyrant Who Falls In Love_ by Takanaga Hinako. I decided to use this term because I thought it was humorous and pretty accurate with a mammal's/animal's mating habits.

That list Vanessa gave to Perry were all the lists of emotions of love-like states I could think of as a teenager in high school nowadays (over where I live, dating has turned into a **fad** of all stupid things instead of something special you should enjoy with someone else, so if you're not dating where I live, you're considered a fucking loser). But I am a happy, healthy loser since half of my school's students have mono and some other STD, nonetheless. :)

**If you got any stories of times you or someone you know experienced any of the numbers on ****THE LIST in this chapter write them in your review! I'd love to read them, tl;dr or not! I'd also love to hear what you think of my versions of Perry and Dr. D on my profile. I'll be uploading the full, colored sketches on my dA account, so watch for it! :D**

I need to go to bed now, my flight leaves at 10:40 in the morning. Bye guys, hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	7. Two's A Company, Three's A Threesome

First of all, thank you to those who wished me a safe flight. My trip was very fun and relaxing, and now I'm ready to start writing again!

Unfortunately, school starts again on the 12th, so I'm not sure how many updates you will be seeing from me... I am finally in my senior year (YAY ME! -Brenda Song clap-) and I REALLY need to focus on schoolwork and tests, so please understand this. I HAVE to get into a college and have a decent career. So don't come ranting about how I will not be updating every couple of weeks like I have been-I have a life you know! :O

CHAPTER 7  
IT IS HERE.  
REJOICE.

--

Hours had turned into days and days had turned into weeks.

Well, okay, it had only been a week and a half. But it had still felt like an entire year to Perry. He and Doofenshmirtz had finally gotten started on researching and testing several experiments for the reversal formula, and failed every single one of them. To add to the epic failure currently ensuing, being in the lab together was breaking all levels on the awkward meter.

Doofenshmirtz would always feel someone glaring at him very hard whenever his back was turned, but when he spun around to find the culprit, Perry immediately turned back to whatever he was doing as if nothing happened. It made Doofenshmirtz confused (and very scared).

Things weren't any better for Perry either- he still felt those strange feelings twist around inside his stomach, chest, and mind when Doofenshmirtz was either working right beside him or even said his name. Not too long ago, the doc asked him to hand over a couple of papers from his desk, and when Perry gave them to him his hand accidentally brushed up against his own, and Perry felt unbelievably uncomfortable and his face heated up again.

_'He just touched my hand a little... it's not like... we HELD hands or anything. Man, it was so warm and... RRRGH!'_ Perry's thoughts were running wild and he couldn't stop thinking about it. If he really was in-that-emotion-that-shan't-be-named with Doofenshmirtz, then by God, that certain emotion was annoying as hell.

It was now 2:34 in the morning.

"Okay, I think I got it, Perry!" Heinz exclaimed excitedly. This caught Perry's attention and he ran over to said scientist's side. "You mean- this-this is it?!" he asked as he leaned over to stare at the beaker which held a clear liquid in it.

"I just need to add this onnnne little teensy drop of THIS," he held up a small vile with pink liquid in it, "and theeeeen-" as he poured a small drop into the beaker, it began to bubble profusely and turn a shade of a completely different color.

Heinz and Perry stared intently at the beaker, one grinning like mad and the other with a look of hope and amazement. Neither of them breathed.

The bubbling had begun to overflow the beaker, the foam covering the entire glass, but as it slowly stopped the glass had begun clear. The color of the once clear liquid had become a dark, scarlet red.

Doofenshmirtz grabbed both sides of his head and cried out in a frustrated yell, "DAMN IT! It wasn't supposed to turn RED! It was supposed to turn teal!" He slammed his head onto his desk, causing the beaker to shake a bit, and had a look of sheer disappointment on his face. "I just... give up, Perry."

Perry clenched his fists into a tight ball and glared at the beaker. "What... what does red mean?" He picked it up. "What happens if I drink this?" Heinz looked up with a nonchalant expression and slammed his head back down. "I dunno, _die_, probably." Perry's eyes widened with surprise and carefully but quickly placed the beaker down back on the desk. _'Gotta stay positive here, Perry. Gotta stay positive...'_ He smiled and spread his arms out and announced, "Well, why don't we try again? I mean, we can't just stop _here_, r-right?"

Doofenshmirtz glared back up at him with half-lidded eyes which caused Perry to flinch back a bit. "Uh, in case you haven't NOTICED Perry-" he pointed to another table across the lab that had several other beakers and viles, all with different colored liquids inside them as well, "- we've pretty much done EVERY color of the freaking RAINBOW for the past WEEK. Exhaustion and stress, ever heard of it?!"

Perry put on an angry facial expression and glanced at the floor, completely silent. Doofenshmirtz shook his head and held his face with his hands. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-to yell like that at you," he muffled between his fingers, "it-it's not YOUR fault, necessarily, I'm just REALLY tired, is all-"

"No, you're right," Perry interrupted. Heinz blinked and looked at the secret agent. "Wha-?"

"I'm being selfish and working both of us to our limit. We haven't slept, we've barely eaten anything, and we're both going a little bit more insane each day because we can't find... the right... stupid fucking ingredients." Anger began building in Perry's voice, but he quickly stopped himself. He laughed bitterly and shook his head, covering his eyes with his right hand and leaned on the table. "Heh. Never mind. We should just quit for a while."

Doofenshmirtz didn't take his eyes off Perry, and Perry could feel it. He removed his hand from his face and looked back at him. "What is it?"

"You." Heinz began, voice low and visibly tired, "You're forcing yourself to smile." Perry's eyes widened, once again, and he replied determinedly, "N-no I'm not. I'm just trying to stay-" The older man cut in without hesitation, sitting up straighter and more offensive. "No, you're not trying to be positive or "look at the bright side". You're pissed off and you want to cry your little eyes out because your hope of being normal again is running out. That's not trying to stay positive, that's forcing down your emotions which is not only unhealthy and can give you serious stress problems, but also turns bad situations worse."

Perry didn't speak. His mouth was open and his eyes were still wide.

Heinz was right. He was completely and undoubtedly right.

Perry clenched his fists again on the table and knelt his head down, bangs falling down along covering his face. Doofenshmirtz did nothing but continue to stare at him. It was quiet for another moment until Perry began laughing that bitter, cold laugh once again, smiled and said, "You make a lot more sense when you're on the brink of giving into sleep, you know?"

Doofenshmirtz got up from the floor he was currently kneeling on and stood in front of Perry. "Listen," he looked as if he were about to collapse any moment from exhaustion, "I'm going to go... to my roo-"

"Huaaah!"

THUD.

Perry cried out in both pain and surprise. One second Doofenshmirtz was standing and talking, and the next he fell over on top of Perry, totally knocked out. _'Ugh, for a skinny guy, he sure is freaking heavy!'_ he thought. He tried lifting the other man off of him, but it was no use. Perry sighed heavily in defeat (for once) and stared up at the ceiling with half-lidded eyes. _'This situation couldn't get any worse...'_

Beep, beep, beep!

Perry managed to pull his arm out from underneath Doofenshmirtz and pressed a button on his watch. Major Monogram appeared on the screen, and spoke.

"Agent P, did you- uh, what are you doing lying on the floor?" Perry said nothing but took off his watch and held it at an angle like a stereotypical whore on Myspace would so he could see Doofenshmirtz lying on top of Perry very clearly. Monogram blinked a couple of times, coughed slightly, and tried finding the words to what he was seeing. "Uuuh, I didn't... know you two were... like _that_ all of a sudden just because you're a human now. I didn't mean to, well, I guess barging in wouldn't be the right word-"

"WE'RE NOT DOING ANYTHING PERVERTED, SIR!" Perry yelled. "He just _happened_ to have collapsed on top of me while we were talking from lack of sleep. We've been researching and performing countless experiments for days on end, but we've... failed every single one of them." Perry pointed the watch's screen towards the table with colored beakers as high as he could to prove himself true. He then turned it back to himself.

Monogram scratched his head with a serious expression. "Well, I'm sure something will come up. We've also taken the liberty of informing you that your family is doing fine, but are very worried about your disappearance. They've assembled a small search team, but..."

Perry glanced at Doofenshmirtz, who was breathing softly near his neck. He closed his eyes and opened them to look directly at the screen and replied, "Thank you, sir. That- that really means a lot. Give the Agency my thanks as well, please." Monogram nodded. "Don't worry Agent P. Oh! I almost forgot to mention one thing about your mission."

This news surprised Perry, "Something else? What is it?"

Carl handed Monogram a few papers. "It appears that Dr. Doofenshmirtz's wasn't working alone on this 'Humaninator' plan of his. Another one of our Agent's nemesis in Seattle was collaborating with him and had the formula as well. The agent managed to stop him, but unfortunately, while he was tying his rival up, he slipped and fell into the potion by accident. The potion was in a kiddie pool of all things! I mean, come on, really? I'm sure you can afford a bigger pool or even some kind of barrel, you know?" he began to laugh at himself.

Perry listened but had a bad feeling crawl up his spine. Doofenshmirtz was collaborating with someone else? But WHO? And why the hell hadn't he told Perry this!? Oh, he was getting such an ass-kicking when he woke up.

"Anyway, the mad scientist got turned in and is now serving some time in jail for other charges on his record." Monogram explained, "The last thing we heard about the agent was that a young-looking man wearing nothing but a fedora nonchalantly walked back into the pet store and returned all the little baby kittens without saying a word."

Now that was just disturbing. Didn't he even think to steal the villain's lab coat, or what?

Perry shook his head but Monogram continued, "We've managed to get a hold of him, but he's hardly said a word from what we hear from _his_ Major. Of course he's fully clothed now thanks to the Agency we have over there, but him, his Major and I have agreed that it would be best if he joined you and Doofenshmirtz. He's been shown to... _really, really __**hate**_ being a human."

Monogram concluded and asked, "Any questions, Agent P? Are you alright with these new plans?" Perry thought for a moment but nodded. "It would be best if we had another person to help us, especially one in my predicament. It also wouldn't hurt to meet another agent. What's his name, anyway?"

Monogram opened his mouth to say something, but Carl ran on screen and was going crazy at seeing Heinz on top of Perry while on a dirty, tiled floor. "AGENT P!" he exclaimed with a wide grin on his face, "DON'T TELL ME THAT I WAS RIGHT?! BEING A HUMAN SURE HAS GOT YOUR HORMONES GOING WILD, HUH?! DID-" his voice got lower "did you two, you know... _do it _like I said? Was it rape at first, but then you consented-"

"CARL GET OUT OF MY WAY!"

"WAIT! I WAS JUST-"

"WATCH OUT, THE CAMERA-!"

The screen turned to snow, and Perry was left lying on the bathroom floor, completely embarrassed once again by Carl's sick mind. He turned his watch off and stared back down at Doofenshmirtz. "Huh," he mumbled, "you actually look less crazy when you're asleep. ... well, more like a normal human being with dark bags under his eyes, anyway." He felt a warm smile tug at his lips and his eyes softened. Perry hesitated at first, but moved his free arm to pet Doofenshmirtz's messy hair.

It was comforting. And it felt nice.

Perry shut his eyes and breathed in deeply. _'I wonder which agent it is... probably Agent E or... someone...' _his thoughts drifted off, and he fell asleep, his arm going limp and resting around his now-supposed arch-nemesis.

--

The sun had risen, and it was now 9:15 in the morning.

The regular employees in D.E.I. that Doofenshmirtz never talked to day in and day out were all gone. Apparently everybody decided that they would give themselves a vacation for as long as they wanted to since Heinz was too caught up in other matters recently to even care that they worked for him. This being said, there was no one to talk to or ask where the bathroom was, which annoyed Vanessa very much.

She sat in the waiting room down on the first floor (_why_ there was a waiting room in the first place is beyond me) trying to enjoy some television while Doofenshmirtz and Perry were up in the lab. She didn't bother them and had no reason to check on them. The reason: there was no screaming or loud crashing sounds to worry about despite being 9 floors below where they were (she had very good dad-is-up-to-no-good instincts). Vanessa lifted her left leg up on the couch and hugged her knee while her other hand flipped through channels with the remote.

_"For today's forecast in the Tri-State Area, you can expect clear, sunny skies and warm weather, around 78 degrees-"_

"Great to know..." she mumbled and clicked the channel button again.

_"So what's it like being casted in another overdramatic and insane (yet somehow accurate) role, Tom Cruise?"_

"Lame." Click.

_"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" _an excited audience chanted as one of the guests stood up angrily.

_"THAT (beep)ING MOTHER(beep)ER IS NOT MAH BABY'S DADDY! I'LL BE DAMNED TO HELL IF-"_

"Oh, come on. As if we need to enforce more stereotypes!" Click, click, click.

_"And now, back to CNReal- where cartoons and your childhood go to die!"_

Vanessa pushed the power button down as hard as she could and set the remote down. "Maybe I should go outside or something." she decided and picked up the cereal bowl she had sitting on the table in front of her near countless _People_ and _InTouch_ magazines filled with the latest celebrity gossip. Vanessa walked out and dragged her feet along, as she was still in her pajamas, and placed the dishes in the cafeteria sink.

She was about to head towards the elevator back up to her room to get changed, but a taxi suddenly stopping in front of the building caught her attention. She looked through the double sliding doors thick blue glass to see a young-looking man of about 5'6''step out of the taxi. He held a briefcase in his right hand and wore a fedora similar to Perry's. His clothes consisted of a white, button-up undershirt, black trench coat, black pants, and army boots. He wasn't heavy, but he wasn't skinny either; he was a little more pudgy, if anything. His hair reached down to the middle of his neck, barely touching the collars of his shirt and coat. The way it was colored, however, caught Vanessa's eyes particularly: his hair looked completely black under the hat, but she could clearly see that his bangs were a pure, snow white.

The mysterious man walked through the doors, and as he entered, he stopped and took in his surroundings. He glanced at the walls and floor, and then at Vanessa. "Do you know where I can find Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz?" he asked. Vanessa felt a shiver run up her spine at hearing his voice. It was deep, calm, cool and collected, but very straightforward. He sounded like the kind of man who wanted to get right down to business.

"Who wants to know?" she blurted and crossed her arms across her chest. He continued to stare at her with his dark eyes. "_I do_. Tell me, I have no time to waste here. I need to get out of this... _thing_." he replied and clenched his left fist, as if posing a threat.

Now Vanessa was becoming uncomfortable.

"He's up in his lab. Working. Probably sleeping. 10th floor."

He turned towards the elevator without another word. She heard the ding and continued to stare at him, even as the door closed and he was out of sight. She heard herself gulp and her stomach turned. _'Well, that was... weird.'_ she thought. "What the hell was up with his eyes? That wasn't... make-up. Was it?" His eyes were dark, alright, especially around them.

He had dark rings around them, almost looking like an insomniac who suffered with the disease ever since he was born. "Or maybe even a panda!" Vanessa chuckled to herself.

--

The mysterious man walked down the hall of the tenth floor and saw one single door on his right up ahead. The walls around him were cracked and looked recently repainted. There was caution tape at the far end, suggesting many explosions and floorboards falling apart (or being broke down with force). _'Looks like something an Agent would do.'_ he thought.

He turned the doorknob and opened it carefully. There could be traps set, or even knock out gas, who knows? He poked his head in and glanced around the room. The sun shone down from the ceiling and two side windows, shining upon various colored glasses and beakers in front of him, making a lovely and warm color around the room. The man smiled to himself, placed his briefcase down and began walking in slowly. "Seems safe enou-"

He immediately caught himself from tripping over what felt like a bump in the middle of the floor. He looked down and his eyes widened with surprise.

_'It looks like I hit my foot against (what appears to be) the other Agent P on accident...'_ he thought, sighing with half-lidded eyes. He looked at Doofenshmirtz (who still sleeping on top of Perry) and looked back and forth at each individual. What he could sum up about them was:

One- They were sleeping together- on the floor no less.  
Two- Perry's left arm was wrapped around Doofenshmirtz in an affectionate manner.  
Three- They looked better like this than they did when they were fighting.

"Hm, what an odd pair. I don't suppose they-" he shook his head immediately and became focused again. If they were to get anything done soon, he had to wake them up _now_. He softly tapped Perry on the head again with his boot, stirring him slightly, but then began earning groans of discomfort. "Stop iiiiiit." he murmured. The man became more annoyed and impatient and tapped him harder on his head, moving his long bangs in the process. "Wake up, Agent P." he demanded.

Perry tossed his head from side to side but reluctantly opened his eyes. He heard someone say "Agent P", and no one calls him them that except Major Monogram, Carl and Doofenshmirtz. _'Who's-' _Perry opened his eyes fully, and instead of staring at the ceiling, he was staring into the dark eyes of what appeared to be a VERY sleep-deprived young man. The stranger had knelt down and was now inches apart from Perry's face, which made his eyes widen with both shock and rage.

**"YOU-!"**

The secret agent shot up so fast that he bumped foreheads with the other man on accident, which caused him to fall backwards and lean against the door, while Perry sat up, in sudden pain. They both rubbed their foreheads and moaned at the impact of their skulls.

Weren't mornings just wonderful?

Perry's clamped eyes shot open once again. He turned to face the other man and pointed an accused finger at him. "I know your eyes! I've seen them befo- oh no." he stopped himself when he realized, "_YOU_ WERE THE AGENT THAT MAJOR MONOGRAM WAS TALKING ABOUT?!" The other young man blew his bangs out of his face and took of his fedora. His serious expression suddenly disappeared in an instant and a wide smile formed.

"Yeah, I knew you'd remember me- Peter the Panda! Well, not a panda. Anymore. But I still got the eyes, see?" he pointed to them to show Perry, making sure he saw them.

"I can't believe this," Perry lowered his arm from pointing at Peter, "I have the worst luck in the world... by some kind of coincidence we meet again in the same problem and have to stay with the same insane scientist! It's like I'm in some kind of sick game where someone has the power to control whatever happens! WHY IS GOD SO CRUEL- TO _ME_ ESPECIALLY?!"

Peter rose a black eyebrow and stared at him. _'He's actually starting to... scare me.' _Perry stopped himself from ranting when he felt something move on his lap. He looked down and saw Doofenshmirtz (who was pushed off slightly when Perry sat up earlier) place a hand on Perry's thigh, lifting himself up and opening his eyes. His eyes glanced up at Perry's, and then widened a little bit with each second when he noticed what position they were in.

Perry's shoulders were hunched up as girls would do when they are shy around someone (or disgusted) as he stared at Doofenshmirtz. Heinz looked up and down at his rival and saw his hand resting on his thigh, very close to the crotch area. His face turned red in a heartbeat and he quickly moved away from Perry without saying a word. Both men were blushing and sweating, and both wouldn't take their eyes away from the other. Peter looked back and forth at them both and burst out laughing, but it did not even phase either Perry nor Doofenshmirtz.

Yeah.

Mornings were the best.

--

Yes, Perry. I **AM** GOD. **I CAN NOW DO WHATEVER I PLEASE WITH DOOFENSHMIRTZ, PETER, AND YOUUUU** buuut I can't say I own you, because that is bad and illegal. :3

ALRIIIGHT NOW WE'RE GETTING SOMEWHERE. The next couple of chapters will have more slash in it, I promise. More perverted accidents, blushing, MAYBE a kiss, and misinterpretations! HOORAY FOR SEXUAL INNUENDOS AND DOUBLE ENTENDRES! Also, I think this may the longest chapter I've ever done for this fic. WHOO, GO ME.


	8. I Love You, or Something

Before I go on with my fic and start getting people saying "I'm not true hardcore fan of Phineas and Ferb because some things are inaccurate", I have a little FYI for you guys:

I live in California and have DISH Satellite TV. My mom cut down a lot of channels to save money, so we get two Disney channels: DisneyE (Eastern standards time) and DisneyW (Western standards time). For some reason, Disney thinks that little kids want to watch shit like Hannah Montana, Sonny With A Chance, JONAS and Wizards of Waverly Place and learn how TOTALLY AWESOME HIGH SCHOOL AND BEING A TEENAGER IS with repeating laugh tracks, cheap 'humor' and actors who can't act or sing (YOU KNOW WHO). Uh, no. Phineas and Ferb has that spark of what cartoons were like for _me_ growing up- wishing that *I* could build awesome gizmos and gadgets like they can, go on huge adventures, laugh at the dumbest things that I did or didn't understand, and just plain have fun everyday with my friends and/or siblings.

_**But they hardly ever SHOW it.**_

Besides marathons, they show P&F only about _3 times a day_- and they're almost _**always**_ episodes I've already seen. Most of the information I get for my fic (if I don't know something) is from the internet and Wikipedia (yeah, I know). I'm not perfect, of course, so I apologize if I get something off. Know that I didn't intend it and blame the Disney channel for not giving me more P&F.

Cartoon Network is fail now (except Chowder and Flapjack).

Nickelodeon is fail now (Spongebob is still good, but... eh, it's kind of not like it used to be).

All I have left of my childhood was Disney, and it's a DAMN SHAME that they only have ONE good cartoon airing.

TL;DR DON'T BITCH AT ME IF I GET CHARACTERS/SETTINGS/WTF EVER WRONG. BLAME DISNEY.

blah, sorry but it had to be said. Now- ONWARDS TO CHAPTER 8.

P.S.

yes, I realized I did not add The Suite Life of Zack and Cody- that's because I enjoy that show and I love crossdressing twins. TWINCEST: IT ARE GUUUUD

--

Everyone had gathered back in Doofenshmirtz's office (despite the fact he mentioned no one was allowed in there except him), with Perry leaning against the wall, Peter sitting on Heinz's desk, Vanessa sitting on the couch with her arms folded, and Doofenshmirtz standing between Perry and Peter, scratching his head nervously.

"Sooo, let me get this straight," Vanessa said, "you," she pointed at Peter, "are another Agent P who SOMEHOW got put in the same predicament as Perry here," she jammed a thumb over to Perry, "and now your bosses or whatever agreed that you have to work together with my dad to get back to normal?"

Peter kicked his legs back and forth and smiled at her. "Uh-huh! That's about it." He glanced up when he felt someone glaring a hole through his soul and saw Perry, who never took his eyes off of him. Peter's smile vanished and he began to pout.

"Come on, Agent P!" he retorted. "Don't tell me you're still mad that I took Doofenshmirtz away from you _that one _time! It's not my fault he decided to fuck with me at that convention. I had no choice but to get even with this guy." Perry blushed furiously and stood up straighter and clenched his fist. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY _THAT_?!"he screamed out. Peter's eyes widened but his mouth remained closed. Uuuh, he pissed me off, we got in a scuffle, and it was revenge from there on. He started it..."

Perry stood down and slapped himself mentally. "Oh, yeah. Of-of course, I knew that." Peter raised an eyebrow and grinned. "Ooooh! You thought that- HAHA! I thought bestiality was illegal or something?"

It was completely silent, except for Peter's absurd giggling.

Doofenshmirtz decided to finally talk for the first time today since the lab incident, and cleared his throat loudly. "Anyway, Peter the Pand- eh, _Peter_, I don't understand how you managed to get caught up in this mess and turned into a person. How- how did you say you, uh, got a hold of my form-"

"I was doing my daily dose of fighting crime when I slipped and fell into a kiddie pool of that stuff. It was weird, I felt so much heavier than usual and saw that my limbs got longer and I had no more fur. I didn't even know the guy was working with you of all things until _my_ Major told me." Peter explained quickly. The last sentence caught Perry's attention and he remembered why he was so mad at Doofenshmirtz last night after talking with Monogram.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" Perry turned to Heinz, his voice causing everyone to jump. "Why didn't you tell me that you were working with someone else on this stupid plan of yours?!" The evil scientist raised up his arms in defense. "I-I just... uh, didn't think it was that important to you! It's not like you could have reached him anyway- he was all the freakin' way in SEATTLE of all places! Besides, he's a little bit better than me at hatching up schemes to get rid the likes of you."

Oh. HELL no.

Perry's eyebrows furrowed together, forming an angry expression. He ran over and grabbed Doofenshmirtz by the collar and slammed him against the wall Perry was previously leaning on. Vanessa stood up and cried out, "Dad!" while Peter hopped off the desk and held her back.

"Listen you bastard," Perry growled menacingly, "I've had it up to _here_ with your bullshit! _Everything_ you do is relevant to me, especially when you're working with someone else! When Monogram told me the things you didn't, I became fucking_ pissed_. I could kick your ass right here and now and not give a _shit_ about you rotting in jail. I'd rather tell my family the truth instead of lying to them and making them believe that I'll never come back home! It's better to have them know that I'm a secret agent and _alive_ instead of an ordinary house pet who ran off and _died_ somewhere on the streets!"

Doofenshmirtz stared down at Perry and said nothing. The shorter man was breathing heavily, his voice worn out from yelling so much. Doofenshmirtz blinked a few times and placed his hands on Perry's, whose grip on his shirt collar loosened when he felt them brush up on top of his.

"I'm sorry, okay?" he replied. "But I hope you realize that if I told you, Dr. Allan would have seriously injured or even killed you."

Perry's eyes opened up wider with surprise. "Dr. Allan?"

"That's his name, the scientist I was collaborating with." Doofenshmirtz replied, keeping his hands on Perry's. "He's not like me, you know. Easy to... defeat. Psh, I'm surprised Peter the Panda was able to beat him, much less put him behind bars. An-anyway, he contacted me because he was interested in my work and I suggested the formula. We could both take over our own home cities with the cuteness that was little kittens (but in human form, which just added to the Adorable-As-Hell Meter), because, you know, no one can say no or hurt baby catboys and catgirls. Seriously! You're heartless if you do! Which leads into another back story that I'm not going to get into, but! But the point is-

"If I had told you that Dr. Allan and I were working together, I just _knew_ you would have gone after him as well (since you're heroic and want to get the job done right and all). However you would have literally died trying to stop him. He doesn't screw around, you know. I mean, even _I_ was a little afraid of what he would do to me if I said no. You know how I always try to get rid of you with rockets, lasers, and what not, Perry?" A nod. "Well, Dr. Allan doesn't use those sort of things. He's an expert at catching any kind of Agent, no matter how good they are, and torturing them to death. I'm talking putting you on a gurney, strapped so you can't move, and slowly cutting you up into pieces and shreds with a scalpel and other sharp objects."

Perry remembered about being told how several Agents over in Seattle were given the assignment to take down just _one_ scientist, were later reported M.I.A. and hadn't returned to their families or reported in to their Majors for months. They were all assumed K.I.A. and replacements were ordered for. It upset Perry that their families had to deal with the fact their beloved pets were gone forever, and it made him reflect on his own family.

"So," Peter cut in, "you were _protecting_ Perry, then?"

Perry's eyes darted back up to Doofenshmirtz, "Is that... is that true? You were-" Doofenshmirtz turned his head away, eyes looking down at the floor and didn't say a word. The only response Perry got were Heinz's hands gripping on his own tighter, and a dark blush creeping up to his cheeks and ears. "Do-do you think you guys can step outside for a second?" he asked Vanessa and Peter. His only daughter clearly looked worried about her father's mental being (for once) but reluctantly walked out with Peter following behind.

Gulp.

When the door shut, Doofenshmirtz continued, "Anyway, I mean, I... _consider_ you my best friend, even if all you feel is hatred for me. I was about to say that you were my only friend before Vanessa came in that one time, remember? Differences and all things evil aside, Perry, I-I really... like you... somewhat."

Perry released his hands from Doofenshmirtz's collar and tried to pull away, but the taller man held onto him firmly. "What are you- what are you saying?" Perry asked, his eyes were completely avoiding his rival's. "We're not... _supposed_ to like each other. I love to hate you, that's. All." Heinz chuckled a bit and then began laughing as if he had just heard a joke.

"What's so funny?!" Perry cried. "I'm being honest here! Why- I mean- AUGH! I've been feeling these weird emotions ever since I became a human, my heart beats as fast as a race car when you barely graze my hand, and I'm always blushing like crazy! My emotions are so mixed up that I don't know whether I hate you or love you!"

Doofenshmirtz stopped laughing at that instant and Perry covered his mouth with both of his hands at the realization of what he had just blurted out. _'Oh no.'_

"You... love me?" he asked. Perry turned around and was suddenly in a panicked state. "I... that's not what I meant! I just-" He was about to dash out of the room, but felt arms wrap around his waist that prevented him from leaving. He looked back as far as he could and saw Doofenshmirtz grinning madly. "I knew you couldn't hate me forever, Perry! I'm so glad you see me as a better friend than an enemy!"

Perry's eyes blinked as wide as they could. "Wait, you don't understand! I mean, I think I'm..._ in _love with you. Because I hate you." he growled. "I don't even know anymore, this "love" thing hurts my brain..." It got quiet again, but instead of getting rejected, Perry heard Doofenshmirtz laughing again. "I don't see what's so funny here! Your only arch enemy might be- GRRR!" Perry felt so angry and humiliated that Heinz was laughing this hard at him, and ended up elbowing him in the stomach and getting away.

He was inches away from the door when he got pushed out of the way, and this time, Perry was the one slammed against the wall. Heinz locked the door and grabbed Perry's wrists. He slammed them against the wall, which made Perry cry out from the sudden pain.

"I thought you promised not to start of with the violent stuff again, Perry?" Doofenshmirtz asked seriously, leaning closer. "Didn't I tell you that you would regret it?" Perry turned his head from side to side and whimpered. This was becoming unbearable. "I don't give a damn, anymore..." he replied, his eyes looking angry again. "Do whatever you fuckin' want. I just don't care anymore!" Heinz tsk'd but smiled. "Alriiiight, but you asked for it."

Perry glared at him and growled again, "I don't ca-" He didn't finish his sentence, as he was silenced with lips pressed up against his own.

The world stopped.

Time stopped.

And Perry was sure that his heart had stopped.

--

BLAH SORRY THIS IS A SHORT CHAPTER. I wasn't sure and actually debated whether or not to include Peter the Panda in TIIL. In the end, I decided I should, since he'll be relevant later on (I think).

YES, YOU MAY START FANGIRLING NOW. I WON'T JUDGE YOU GUYS LOL

P.S.

I understand that is having some troubles, both with uploading, logging in, and reviewing stories. Don't worry, it's pissing me off too. -__- I notified the admins two times, some problems got fixed, but then they started up again. So if you are unable to review my story because of this issue, I'll understand. I was actually kind of in shock on how many reviews I got from the last chapter (I was all, "that's it? lol"), but when I foudn out about the glitches, the light in my head went on.


	9. Smother Me

OMG DID ANYBODY ELSE SEE THAT EPISODE WHERE DOOFENSHMIRTZ FOUND THE LITTLE KITTY?! I saw the preview for it and was all, "waaaaait a minute". I was laughing SO hard because I immediately thought of my fic. I thought it was sweet of Perry to catch both Heinz and the little kitty from falling to certain doom. So cute! C:

Thanks for all the reviews again, you guys YOU ARE ALL SO HOTT WITH TWO T'S

--

"Well," Vanessa said as she slung her bag over her shoulder, "I think it's high time I get out of here."

Charlene had wanted Vanessa to come back with her, but she was all the way in Hawaii (still) while taking a "vacation" with her new "friend". This meant that Doofenshmirtz had to drive his daughter all the way to the airport in the next town, which was an hour and a half away. "Ugh, heavy," she mumbled as she tightened the bag's strap, "I guess I'll see you later then, the, uh, two Agent P's. It was nice meeting you Peter, for like, a day." She shook hands with him and then patted Perry on the shoulder.

"I, uuuh, hope you... get back to normal soon. For your family's sake." she hesitated to say. "If my dad gives you any trouble, just punch him. He's kind of been asking for it lately anyway." Perry smiled with amusement and kindness and replied, "I'm sure. Take care, Vanessa." The smile he gave her made her cheeks flush and she turned around so fast you would think she could cut off someone's head with her hair alone. She walked out the front doors before anyone had a chance to say even a vowel. "L-let's go, dad!"

Doofenshmirtz waved to the two former animals and quickly said he would be back soon before disappearing outside and driving away. Peter sighed with relief, running fingers through his oddly colored hair. "_Finally_, alone at last." he turned to Perry with half-lidded eyes and shrugged. "Mm, well, sort of. So, hey, what did Dr. D want to say to you that was so important that he had to shove me and his kid outta the room?"

Perry's thoughts flashed back as he remembered everything that happened the day before.

--

_Perry struggled even harder to get away from the other man. 'What the hell is he doing-?!' he thought in panic. He knew what a kiss was, obviously. He'd seen people on the streets hold hands and sometimes give pecks on the cheek if they liked each other, but if some couples had no shame or decency for other people's and children's eyes, they'd eat each others faces as if making out was going out of style._

_The latter was what Doofenshmirtz was doing at the very moment._

_The shorter agent opened his mouth to respond to the sudden calamity occurring, but instead got a certain evil scientist's tongue shoved down his throat. 'This is... so humiliating! The whole time I've BEEN with him has been humiliating!' Perry made a gasping noise when he finally got the chance to breathe, and suddenly cried out when Heinz pulled away, but kept him pinned against the wall._

_"What the fuck is your problem?!" Perry cried. "You just intentionally raped my mouth!" He was about to wipe his mouth from the saliva that was dripping from the side of his mouth down to his chin, but remembered he was unable to release his hands. He hung his head low and reluctantly lifted it up to look into the eyes of his enemy._

_"You know," Heinz said, "I was debating whether or not to actually do this since you're so uptight and a guy now, but I like this plan better!"_

_"Why's that?" Perry asked, fear developing in his shaking voice._

_"Because you're cuter like this."_

_Perry's face became a dark shade of crimson and lifted his leg slightly to kick Doofenshmirtz in the crotch, but was slammed against the wall harder. Except, to add to the discomfort this time, Heinz shifted his right knee in between Perry's legs, and this automatically made him freeze in his tracks. A hard gulp surged down his throat, so loud that he was pretty sure even Vanessa and Peter heard it._

_"You're disgusting..." Perry growled between his teeth and stared at the ceiling, forcing himself not to make eye contact. All he heard from Doofenshmirtz was a chuckle and then felt his tongue slide up all the way from his neck back up to his lips, lapping up the previously said spit dripping from him. Expecting another kiss, Perry braced himself but was surprsied when Doofenshmirtz merely made their forheads touch. They stared into each other's eyes, Agent P, reluctant._

_"I hate you..." Perry moaned. "I thought you said you were in love with me? Vanessa told me last week." Heinz whispered._

_'Stupid teenager...' Perry thought. "I wasn't lying about that, either." replied the undercover agent. Doofenshmirtz smiled and kissed him again, but this time, Perry didn't tried to force him off of himself._

_The man truly __**was**__ evil._

--

After that scenario had happened, Perry did not sleep for the rest of the night. He stood up from when the sun went down to when it came back up. However, he was now thinking that it wasn't such a good idea to stay up all night. The thoughts running around in his mind were horribly unbearable though, so there was no point in even attempting to sleep.

"Agent P?" Peter waved a hand in front of his face. "Agent P! Are you okay?"

Perry's eyes closed and everything went black in his mind. "Whoa!" Peter used his slick agility to catch Perry before he hit the hard tile floor and split his head open. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" He panicked and began pacing back and forth. "I hope he's not dead!" Peter stopped and placed Perry gently on the floor and listened to his heartbeat closely.

"Whew! Just asleep." The former-panda looked at Perry up and down as he lay sleeping on the cold floor. "Uhh, I should probably... carry him outta here." he concluded to himself and looked around the first floor. "Oh! A waiting room." Peter lifted Perry up from where he lied and found him a lot harder to to move much less pick up.

He settled for dragging him all the way to the waiting room's couch instead.

--

"So tell me again why your mother is in Hawaii?" Doofenshmirtz asked his daughter, keeping his eyes on the road. Vanessa shrugged and continued staring out the passenger seat's window. "I dunno. Just said she had a friend who lived there and decided to take off and go." Her father nodded and made an "ah" sound in response. They both didn't say anything, but knew that whoever Charlene was with right now was not just a "friend". Vanessa was getting sick of the awkward silences. Two weeks had been enough and even a conversatoin about nothing was better than hearing nothing but the wind and multiple vehicle's wheels on the freeway.

"I, uh, didn't know you had finally bought a car, dad."

"Oh, yeah. Just bought it a couple of months ago since my scooter needs fixing, but, eh. Don't really ever _go_ places, you know?"

"It's nice. Smells brand new. Like no one ever used it. Like, ever."

"Yeah."

It was silent for a couple more minutes until Vanessa spoke again. "So. Why don't _you_ get another girlfriend, dad?"

Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes and grunted. "Because! I don't have the time for_ relationships_." The way he said "relationships" had made him sound like he had a bad taste in his mouth. "Besides, I dated a couple of women! None of them just ever worked out because one thought I was a monster, another _almost_ wanted to start something with me but decided at the last second that she "felt nothing" and the others- w-well... it's, it's none of your business anyway. Why am I even telling you this? Stop dragging me into such ridiculous, meaningless conversations, Vanessa." She crossed her arms in a scolding manner and turned to face him. "Oh, reeeally?"

"Really!"

"Oh, okay then."

Doofenshmirtz leered at her. "What is that supposed to mean?" Her fingers tapped on the side of her arm in a playful manner and said with a light-hearted tone, "What about Perry?"

Now this was a surprise. "What _about_ Perry?" he asked. Vanessa uncrossed her arms, pulled the car's visor down, slid the small door that beheld a mirror and brushed her hair with her fingers. She looked at herself and carried on, "You guys just seem a lot closer since he became a human, I guess. Less fighting, screaming and shit. Seems a liiittle strange how he would come to me for advice about_ love_. Especially since it was only me, you, and him staying together at that one time."

Heinz didn't reply and kept his eyes focused on the road.

"Who do _you_ think he could be "in love" with? Hmm, dad?" she flipped her hair and pushed the visor mirror back up. Doofenshmirtz sighed, getting annoyed with the constant questions. "Who cares? It's Perry the Platypus!" he remarked coldly. "For all I know it could be Peter the Panda." Vanessa smirked evilly and cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? Well, has Perry been _kissed_ before by this _certain person _he likes?" Doofenshmirtz's cheeks became a dark scarlet red as his daughter continued smirking at him.

He responded in a nervous tone, "S-seriously, who cares?"

--

Black eyes opened slowly along with a soft moan. Perry found himself staring back up into the face of another person, this person oncew again being Peter, and woke up with a startle. "Holy shi-!" he exclaimed but stopped when their foreheads bumped together again, just as before in the lab. Each Agent P groaned in a great amount of pain while clasping their heads tightly. "Owwww!" Peter said. "You _really_ gotta stop doing that!" Perry glared at the former-panda between his locked fingers. "Well why don't YOU stop getting so close to my face when I'm sleeping!?" he retorted. "God, it's like waking up to see a creepy stalker staring down at you imagining-!" He clamped his eyes shut and added, "What happened, anyway...?"

Peter shook his head wildly, making his hair swish from side to side rapidly, and then looked at Perry. "Well... I asked you what happened between you and Doof yesterday, then you got all silent and passed out. Good thing I caught ya 'fore you fell and busted your head!"

Perry blinked a couple of times and gazed around his surroundings. There was a small television set sitting on a stand bolted into the corner of the wall across from him (the kind they have in hospitals), a long polished, wooden table between him and the couch with countless magazines dealing with the media and social dealings and a few cushion chairs lined up together. The room was not small, but not large either. This was either the lobby on the first floor or some kind of waiting room due to the magazines, Perry assumed to himself.

"Did you bring me here?" Perry asked Peter. The latter's face turned unsure and twirled his hands in a neutral format. "Ehhh, kind of. "Dragged" would be a more appropriate term though. So, hey! Tell me what happened since you're all awake and stuff now!" Peter leaned in towards Perry with a huge curious smile, their noses barely touching. Perry hmph'd and got up quickly, storming out of the room.

The second Agent P got up just as fast, and followed Perry into the kitchen. He walked over to the cupboard and pulled out a glass cup, turned the faucet on, and filled it up with cold water. "Hey! What's wrong? Did something _bad_ happen between you guys?"

Perry chugged the water down in one sitting and let out a gasping breath. He filled the glass up again and glared at the floor. "Nothing. We just talked." was his simple reply. Peter's black eyes opened wide with more curiousity and stared intently at Perry. "Nooo, it sounds like something _did_ happen. Maybe it wasn't necessarily BAD but... SOMETHING happened."

The "platypus" drank the water like a fish once again, but this time glared back at Peter. "Nothing. Happened." he growled, trying to make himself sound as threatening as possible. Peter didn't buy it and his face changed into a stubborn-looking one.

"You're a dirty liar."

Before Peter knew it, he was tackled to the ground by an angry Perry the Platy-Person. He squeezed Peter's shoulders as hard as he could making sure he couldn't escape under any circumstance. Peter tossed and turned, but it was useless; Perry had pinned him good and hard. He took a deep breath in and looked up at the other young man who's eyes were filled with anger and his face flushed rather dark; whether it was from anger or embarrassment, Peter didn't know.

"Do you think I want to be here right now?" Perry growled, surprisingly, his voice was low in tone but sounded angry all the same. "I hate it here. I hate being like this, I hate Doofenshmirtz a million more times than I did before, and I REALLY fucking hate you." Peter's eyebrows furrowed and replied, "But... we left on good terms the last time we met-"

Perry ignored him and continued, "You don't know how I feel right now! How I felt last night after what happened between me and him! I just want to get out of here and get the hell back to my family!" He was quiet for a few seconds and then said, "You know what? I will leave. Who gives a damn if I won't be back to normal- a regular platypus that "doesn't do much"? At least I won't be stuck with you and him anymore. I'm out of here."

Perry lifted himself off of Peter and began walking out of the kitchen. However, before he reached the exit arch, he was instantly pulled back and was locked in a grip. Peter's left hand grabbed Perry's neck and was softly squeezing his wind pipes, cutting off his breathing slightly while his right arm was wrapped around him and his hand tightened around Perry's side and he rested his chin on his victim's shoulder. It looked like some sort of pose for a porn about bondage fetishes, but to Perry it felt like the air was being squeezed out of him.

"_You don't know anything._" Peter whispered. Perry instantly stopped breathing- not because of Peter's choke hold- but because the sound of his voice had completely changed. There wasn't a childish tone anymore or slang to add to it, but a deep, venom-filled sound to it. Perry's eyes shifted downward and was shocked to see that claws had expanded from Peter's fingernails, the veins in his hands a bit more visible than before, and he could only imagine his eyes.

Just the thought alone scared him to death.

"_You think you have it so bad? That you're the only agent who has problems?_" Peter gripped Perry's throat tighter, little by little, earning a meak gasp for air from the latter. "_Don't think that you're the only one in this situation who hates being like this, __**Perry**__. So what if you have a desire for your most hated enemy? You think that has __**any**__ resemblance to how __**I**__ feel? Compared to me, your "problem" is about as important as a teenage girl who got stood up at prom_."

"You... know?" Perry managed to choke out with shock. "Hah-how..." Peter tightened his grip on Perry's throat. "_It's not hard to figure out, Perry. Anyone can tell when someone falls for another person- they act stupider and a whole lot __**weaker**__. Watch this..._"

At that moment, Perry felt sharp teeth bite at his earlobe and his knees suddenly jerked with pain. He cried out and was sure to God that he was bleeding now. Peter wasn't done yet, though, and finished his example by lapping at the new wound with his wet tongue, that was sure to leave a scar. Perry's tense muscles began relaxing and would have fallen from the new found pleasure if Peter wasn't holding him.

By the was he was acting, he wasn't even sure this was "Peter" anymore.

"_See?_" Perry could feel Peter smirk. "_You get weak when something like that happens. Fun, isn't it? Well, (tsk) for me, anyways._" Perry gasped for as much air as he could and mumbled, turning his head slightly to face Peter, "Who... the hell... ARE YOU?!" The other Agent P's smirk widened and offered an even stronger choke hold in reply.

"_I hate being a human more than anything right now. Monogram told you that, right? I really, really (giggle), REALLY hate it. It's like starting a new life all over because of this unwanted transformation. You have to learn new things just to fit into the human's society or else you'll be deemed as "awkward" or "weird" or even "odd". You know, when I first became like this, I was going crazy. Did you know that?" _Peter let go of Perry's throat, but once he heard him gasp, he began choking him close to death again. _"I was thinking, 'What the fuck is going on? Why am I like this? What happened? I completed the mission right? Who, what, where, when, how?' I was freaking out. I didn't know what was real anymore, and once I returned all those kittens, I ran off into a dark alley way in between these large, tall buildings._

"_I kept looking at myself as much as I possibly could and began screaming. Screaming like it was the end of the world. I hated the way I looked. The last thing I ever wanted to be was a human being. Do you know __**why**__, Perry?_" Perry was released and began breathing heavily, taking in as much air as he possibly could again, and was sent back into the same routine of being choked.

"_As both animals and mammals, we have shorter lives. Which is fine with me- we're born, we set out what we need to do, and then we die. Simple, right? But oh, no. Not with humans. They're born, grown to believe whatever it is their parents and television tell them to and once they're older, they have to go to school for twelve long years "to make something of themselves". Then, once they hit eighteen or nineteen years old, they either go to college and get a career, or become some sort of drug addict junkie with no future. The average human can live up to seventy years. Seventy years! Would you want to live that long, suffering with what seems like a never ending age? I wouldn't._

"_So anyway, back in the alley- I started going insane, right? Began clawing at the walls until the nubs on my fingernails bled profusely. Realizing I wasn't going to get anywhere with what I was doing, I returned back to the agency and acted as if nothing was wrong. I said nothing, but they knew exactly what had happened. They gave me some things to wear, a briefcase full of items to use to retrieve the reversal potion, and assigned me here._"

Perry felt as if he was on the verge of passing out, but forced himself to stay awake as he listened to everything Peter was telling him. "_So, yeah!_" the "panda" exclaimed. "_That's my life fucking story on how everything went downhill for me. So, you think that suicidal tendencies I thought I had never had before and a new split personality is a piece of cake compared to your bullshit, girly crush?_"

Peter released Perry and threw him against the tile floor in a violent rage. His glare overshadowed his looks as Perry struggled to breath correctly and looked up at his former rival. "_I didn't think so._"Peter finished and then knelt down, being on the same eye level of Perry. He then smiled a friendly smile, and for a second Perry thought Peter was back to normal, but was sorely mistaken when Peter grabbed his hair and pulled Perry forcefully towards him.

'_Oh, God,_' Perry thought, '_he's going to kill me... his eyes have that look-!_' Peter's smile slowly turned into a sadistic smirk and he opened his once cheerful eyes, which were now a glowing red, to stare into Perry's dark ones, filled with fear and panic. "_You're staying here, whether you like it or not. I need all the help I can get to change me back to normal, and if you don't decide to stay-_" one of his hands let go of Perry's hair and ran his claw from his index finger from Perry's collar bone, all the way up to underneath his chin. Perry could feel that it wasn't a hard mark but more of a cat scratch. It would still leave a long mark for a couple of days, though.

"_Bad, terrible things will happen to both you and your nemesis. Got it?_" Perry's eyes were completely wide with fear, terror, and helplessness. His body was unable to move and he felt that death was coming at any moment. However, he felt the hands release from him, and Peter sat back, his eyes closed and head facing the floor.

Peter's head lifted up after a couple of seconds, slowly, and his wide, curious eyes glanced around the kitchen. He scratched the back of his head and looked at Perry. "Hey? Agent P, what happened? Did I... black out or something? You probably hit my head or something from that tackle." Pause. "... Agent P? Agent P?"

Despite Peter being back to normal, Perry still felt paralyzed and stared off into space with those same fear-induced eyes. He didn't dare to move until Doofenshmirtz came back.

--

I'm not trying to make Peter the bad guy, trust me, he isn't! Dr. Allan is! He's just got a split personality from the trauma of turning into a human for the first time. It's not his fault!

Sorry for taking so long with this chapter. School's been taking up my time, I have a baby to take care of, and I also babysit my little brother a lot. If you want to see updates from me, go to my profile and check my homepage on deviantART. I update a lot there, so press F5 for updates.


	10. Steady, Steady Now, CLEAR

CHAPTER TEN

**MY GOD.**

DID YOU SEE THE RATING ON MY FIC CHANGE?  
AWWWW YEAH, BABY, GUESS WHAT THAT SHIT MEANS.

--

Perry leaned over the toilet and threw up the last remains of bile and undigested food. He breathed in deep breaths and flushed the reminisces.

Immediately after his experience with Peter's self-proclaimed "split personality", Perry rushed into the bathroom, locked the door, and isolated himself after feeling nauseous. The bathroom was very wide and contained various stalls for the employees. The floor was covered with light green-colored tiles while the wall's bottom-half white tiles and the top-half was a clear white wall. The stalls themselves were a dark shade of forest green. It smelled clean and the lights looked like they had just been recently replaced.

However, the surprising decency of an evil scientist's employee's restroom was beginning to smell awful because of the current vomiting that was ensuing.

Perry struggled to drag himself over to the sinks and turned the faucet that had a big blue 'C' on the top nozzle. The water came rushing down and he quickly grabbed hand fulls of water and threw it onto his face, trying to pick himself back up together. He did this about fifteen times until he felt satisfied, splashing water both on his face and in his mouth to get the awful taste out of his mouth.

As he turned the faucet off, ending the running water, he looked up at himself in the mirror. Perry lifted his right hand and stared at it with contempt. "I'm shaking. Really bad." His hand twitched and shook back and forth, Perry realizing his fear was severe and wouldn't go away until he calmed himself down. Perry took more deep breaths in and out and closed his eyes to focus his mind.

_'Great,'_ he thought, _'Now I'm not only being blackmailed by Doofenshmirtz, but by Peter as well. This is horrible. All I want to do is get back to normal and go back home. I miss Phineas... and Ferb... and Candace... mom, dad... even Jeremy...' _Perry felt his eyes begin tearing up and he shook them away violently. The more he thought of his family, the more of an angsty teenager he became. _'So if I run away, Peter will hunt me down and murder both me and Doofenshmirtz, but if I stay and resist my urges to kick the shit out of either of them, Doofenshmirtz will molest me again. They're both lose-lose situations.'_ Perry sighed and looked up at himself in the mirror that was in front of him.

"I hate this." he chuckled. "I seem to hate a lot of things lately besides myself."

There was silence. At that moment, however, the loud sound of glass shattering by a depressed agent's fist murdered it, but the silence awoke once more anyway.

--

After an hour and half to the airport and an hour and a half back, Doofenshmirtz finally pulled his car up to the side of D.E.I. and parked. He got out and as he walked inside, he saw Peter sitting on the floor, Indian style, mindlessly twirling his index finger on the giant floor tiles. "Uuh, what are you doing, Peter... the Panda?" Doofenshmirtz asked, unsure what to make of this scene and his name.

Peter looked up and his eyes became like a dog's who just got the love kicked out of him. "I don't know what happened, but Agent P won't talk to me!" he cried. "One minute I'm tackled to floor because he's pissed off that I called him a liar, and then the next he's just sitting in front of me with this creepy, blank stare!"

"Where is he?" Doofenshmirtz asked. For some reason, he was a little bit nervous and worried about Perry's well-being. Did he take a little bit too far yesterday by kissing him? He only did it to make him learn his place, it's not like Heinz _wanted_ to do it. He just... it was a natural instinct. Instant reflex! That's it!

But wait, since when did "making out" become an "instant reflex"?

Peter butted into Heinz's thoughts and replied, "He went into the bathroom and he's been in there the whole time you were gone. He wouldn't let me come in or nothin'." Peter clearly looked depressed because he couldn't read Perry's thoughts to understand what was wrong, and Doofenshmirtz knew how that felt. Heinz was about to ask Peter something else, until they heard footsteps coming down the hallway. They sounded a lot more like trudging though.

Peter and Doofenshmirtz looked up and saw Perry dragging himself towards them. He leaned himself on the wall's border and stared at both of them with dead eyes. Perry didn't look well at all; he was in a state that was a mixture of all these different emotions- violation, exhaustion, anger, depression, sickness, stress, and apathy.

In other words, he looked like shit.

"Perry!" Peter and Doofenshmirtz exclaimed in unison. Perry slowly walked over to them and scratched his head hiding his right hand behind his back. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, voice raspy from puking. Doofenshmirtz furrowed his eyebrows and glared at him. "Don't give me that! What's gotten into you all of a sudden?! You seemed fine a couple of weeks ago, and now you're, you're like-" he paused and glanced at his hand behind him. "What are you hiding?"

Perry didn't argue, and showed them the bloodied up hand wrapped poorly in toilet paper and paper towels. The blood was still dripping on the floor around Perry, leaving a small pool slowly spreading into the cracks of the tiles. The "bandages" weren't even white anymore, just pure crimson, and the blood continued seeping through leaving dark spots on them. Perry was completely calm about it, acting as if it was nothing serious.

"What did you do to yourself?!" Doofenshmirtz screamed in horror.

Perry shrugged and replied, "Mad. Mirror. Punched it. Broke. Bleeding won't stop."

Peter grabbed Perry's hand as softly as he could, but Perry offered no rebuttal, not even a cry of pain. Peter slowly unwrapped the bloody towels and his eyes shot wide open. "Agent P, there are still shards of glass lodged in your hand! Didn't you bother to take them out?!" Perry shrugged again. "Didn't notice."

"We need to get you to a hospital." Peter concluded, literally pulling Perry along like a red wagon. Doofenshmirtz sighed and took out his car keys, rushing after them. "This is going to be a looong mission, isn't it, Monogram?" he asked himself, sighing.

--

The doctor of the Tri-State Area hospital finished the last stitch on Perry's hand and cut the remaining string off. He then reached over in a drawr cabinet and pulled out a roll of gauze, took Perry's hand, and began wrapping it around him. Perry stared at the M.D's work without uttering a word. Doofenshmirtz and Peter also sat together by the door, watching both of them silently.

"So, explain to me how you managed to cut your hand up so bad?" the doctor asked, clipping the gauze together. "We had to remove a couple of shards of glass from your hand and..." To avoid getting himself unwillingly sent to a psychiatrist and mental hospital, Perry forced himself to make up a story at that moment. "I, uh, was carrying a glass vase to my friend for him to put his flowers in when I suddenly, uh... I guess water was spilled on the kitchen floor and no one cleaned it, and I slipped and fell headfirst on the glass when the vase broke. Guess my hand landed in it quick because I didn't feel anything."

"Well, accidents happen. No worries." the doctor concluded and stood up. He turned to the mad scientist and the "panda" and said, "He should be fine within a week or two. Just don't do anything for a while and take it easy with that hand, okay?" Perry nodded and sighed, staring at it with apathetic eyes. "Thanks."

The doctor turned to Doofenshmirtz and said, "I'll be back with the paperwork and prescription for pain killers." He walked out, leaving the trio together with their silent judgment.

"Peter, eh, mind going out for a bit? I need to talk with Perry alone." The third Agent P looked back and forth at Heinz and Perry, but walked out, shutting the door, reluctantly. Perry didn't look at his nemesis. He didn't want to. He just wanted to be left alone. Doofenshmirtz got up and walked over to him, standing a few inches away from the exam table Perry was sitting upon.

"What's wrong with you, Perry?" Doofenshmirtz asked, folding his arms. "You were fine and your usual self (sort of) but now you're... depressed." Perry set his hand down gently on his lap and continued staring at the floor, refusing to reply. Heinz sighed and moved closer, eventually hopping up and sitting next to him on the table. The paper placed on it crinkled beneath them, annoyingly loud to their ears. "I just... want to go home." Perry finally uttered.

"I know you do. But that doesn't give you the excuse to hurt yourself." the other said. "It's not going to solve your problems. Just make them worse." Perry took notice in Heinz's tone of voice- he was not stuttering or sarcastic like he always was. Mostly blatant and honest up to this point. "Something is wrong with Peter." he said.

Doofenshmirtz turned to look at him this time. "What do you mean?" Perry pulled his lips in his mouth and then out again, hesitant to reply. "When you were gone, he made me angry asking what happened between us_ that one time _and when I got up to leave, he attacked me and... he was different." Perry paused but continued. "His voice was deeper and sounded dangerous. His eyes turned red and he didn't smile anymore. It's like he went crazy at that very moment. He almost killed me by choking me repeatedly and then laughing about it. When he said that if I tried to leave, he wouldn't let me go unpunished, including even _you_ in his threat. And then he went back to normal, not remembering a thing."

"Split personality." Doofenshmirtz instantly said. "That's what he told me." Perry agreed. "He said he hated being human and almost tried killing himself after he transformed, but decided against it. He's not stupid, he knew there was an alternative and he was assigned here."

Silence filled the room again. Perry was starting to hate all these quiet moments. They made him uncomfortable and caused him to think too much, leading to unnecessary thoughts. Heinz furrowed his eyebrows together in confusion and asked, "But why did he threaten _me_? I mean, sure we were enemies once, but that was a long time ago! What does he have against me _now_?"

"Because," Perry clamped his eyes shut, opened them again, and stared down at his hand once again, "he knows about my... feelings for you."

Doofenshmirtz stared down at him, eyes slightly filled with surprise. "He blackmailed me by using you. If I couldn't pry him off of me in that choke hold, what makes you think I have a chance of beating him in a fight? I had no choice and I... don't want you to get hurt." Perry sat up a bit straighter, feeling himself blush from the words he had let out, and then added with a tougher tone, "You, you know. Unless it's me. Also, consider this a repayment of saving me from Dr. Allan's evil clutches-"

Perry was cut off when he was suddenly enveloped in an embrace. "Wha-what are doing?" he stuttered. His heart rate was increasing with the body warmth from his enemy pressed up against him. Perry felt the hug tighten as if life itself would run away if Doofenshmirtz let go.

"Thank you."

Perry's eyes widened as much as they humanly could. His bottom lip began trembling but he immediately pulled away from the hug and turned his head away. "It's, it's not just Peter who's got me like this." he said. "You forcing yourself on me kind of... traumatized me too, you know." Doofenshmirtz laughed a little bit. "Sorry. I won't do it again."

Perry looked back up at him with curious eyes. "You... you mean that?" The older man nodded and said, "Perry, even_ I _think I went too far when I... made out with you. I just did it to, you know, remind you of who's in charge. Duh!" Perry's face lit up a little bit and pounded Heinz on the chest with his fist in a friendly manner. "You're such a liar!"

They both laughed together and smiled down at the floor. Heinz placed his hand on Perry's injured one and nudged his forehead with the other. "Just kidding. I'll only kiss you if you want me to. No more non-consensual acts." Perry rolled his eyes and his eyes darted up to meet his enemy's.

"Then kiss me." he tested. "Right now."

The gap between their lips closed, and Perry wrapped his arms around Doofenshmirtz's neck, the kiss deepening. They didn't let go of each other, refusing to let this moment end. Perry felt himself being pushed down slowly on the exam table, Doofenshmirtz climbing on top of him. They pulled away from the kiss, but then continued, Perry's tongue entered Heinz's mouth and could feel the saliva dripping down his mouth from the wet kiss. They kept it up for a few more seconds and then separated.

Perry felt his cheeks flush and he turned his head to stare at the floor from his side. "I still can't say if... I love you or not." he reminded. "It's hard. And confusing."

"Naaah," Doofenshmirtz said, sitting himself up and pulling Perry up with him, "it's okay. I understand. Hate me, love, doesn't really matter. As long as you don't kick my ass for the time being, we're fine just like this."

Perry smiled at him and was about to lean in for another kiss, but was interrupted when the doctor came back in with a bottle of medication and a clipboard with numerous papers. "I'll just need you to sign these release forms and you're all set." Doofenshmirtz took the clipboard from him while Perry took the bottle of pain killers given to him.

"Alright, Perry," the doctor said, receiving the clipboard back, "we'll see you in a couple of weeks. Take care."

--

The two secret agents and evil "genius" walked back into D.E.I., Peter sighing with relief and stretching his arms over his head. "_Finally_ we're back!" he yawned and sat on the floor, legs crossed. "I hate hospitals."

I should probably clean up the bathroom." Perry murmured. "Sorry about your mirror." Doofenshmirtz rolled his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. "It's no big deal. The important thing is that you're okay now. Would've had my ass handed to me if Monogram found out..."

"You got a broom and trash can I can use?"

"Yeah, everything is in the janitor's closet. It's right in between the men and women's restroom." Doofenshmirtz handed Perry a ring of keys from his lab coat pocket. "This is the key used to open it." he pulled up one of the copper keys to show him exactly which one. Perry nodded, said a quick thanks, and was off down the hallway.

Doofenshmirtz watched as he walked off and disappeared and said, "Well, we should probably get back to work on that formula Pet-"

Snoooore.

The taller man looked down and saw Peter in a deep sleep, head hung down with drool dripping from his mouth. He was totally out. Heinz slapped himself on the forehead and ran his hand slowly down his face. "Great. Looks like it's just me and Per-" he stopped himself and had an epiphany.

Smirk.

--

Perry pulled out a broom, dust pan, small trash can, a large roll of paper towels, and went to work.

Blood stains covered the broken mirror and floor along with many shards. He began sweeping up the broken pieces into the dust pan and shoved them into the trash. It was hard since he wasn't using his right hand, only his left. It took some time, but he eventually swept up and disposed of the sharp shards.

Next, he got on his knees and with the paper towels, started cleaning up the leftover blood. "This is hard with just one hand..." he muttered with frustration, but continued anyway. He got up and began wiping the sink, making it clean and porcelain white again. Perry tossed the bloody towels in the trash and set his supplies aside the wall by the hand dryer.

He walked over to the sink and began washing his hands as gently as he could to avoid re-opening his stitches. The gauze was getting wet a little bit, but it wasn't enough to cause any harm. Perry reached over to grab a towel to dry his hands, when suddenly he was grabbed from behind by unknown hands and shoved up against the wall next to the cleaning supplies.

"Who-?!"

"You know, Peter is asleep." Doofenshmirtz whispered, grabbing Perry's hands behind his back, pinning him with no way to escape.

Perry's eyes looked to the side and saw Doofenshmirtz behind him through the last mirror (one that wasn't broken). His cheeks flushed again and he started to sweat a little bit. "I thought you said you weren't going to do this anymore?" he asked helplessly. "You promised..."

"I _did _promise, and I intend to keep that promise, " the other man said, "but I'm not forcing anything. You _waaaant_ this."

Perry jerked when he felt Doofenshmirtz's hand unbuttoning his pants and heard the zipper being undone. "Wait! Wait, what are you doi- haaah!" his heart suddenly began beating faster when he felt a hand grab his member. "You're hard."

Perry gulped. He had never felt this sensation before, shit, no one had ever _grabbed_ him like this before! His heart began beating faster and felt his stomach turn. He was nervous, he was excited, and he wanted more.

It felt awesome.

Heinz let go of Perry's hands and the younger man placed them on the tile wall he was up against, not refusing the pleasure being given to him. The hand slid up and down his cock, grabbing and rubbing against the head. Perry began moaning and gasping; this felt way too good.

"See?" Heinz whispered against his neck. "You like it."

He was right. Perry hated that, but thought otherwise when he felt a warm tongue glide up his neck and near his collarbone. "Aaah-!" he whimpered and felt himself getting harder. "I really- AH!- h-hate you right now..." Doofenshmirtz smirked and moved his hand faster up Perry's manhood, causing his moaning to turn into soft screaming of desire and need and want.

Perry felt as if he would go crazy if his enemy stopped, even for a second. But that's exactly what he did. "If you want more, you're going to have to beeeeg for it." Doofenshmirtz teased. The agent breathed heavily and spoke, "I want it... please... don't leave me like this." My God, he sounded pathetic, but Perry didn't give a shit. All he cared about was getting off. "Please! I-I want it! I'm begging, please give... give me more-!"

His begging was answered to when he felt Heinz's hand squeeze the throbbing member. Pre-cum began to release from the tip, making Perry go insane. His breathing became erotic and faster and he let out a loud cry as he came all over his enemy's hand and on his pants. Perry gasped for breath as the orgasm died slowly and his eyes closed.

Doofenshmirtz smirked again and took his hand out of Perry's pants. "Felt good, huh?" He earned a nod and saw Perry stagger slightly against the wall but the agent quickly regained his balance. He heard the faucet turn on and could only assume that Doofenshmirtz was cleaning his hand off. He felt like passing out from the experience he had just had, but managed to stand upright despite his shaking knees.

"Maybe we can do something _better _next time," Doofenshmirtz said as he began walking away. Perry slowly lifted his head up to look at him.

"You know. Something _memorable_." having said that, the scientist walked out of the restroom, leaving Perry to clean up once again.

--

MAYBE IF I REACH 100 REVIEWS I'LL WRITE A LEMON. HOW DOES THAT SOUND?


	11. Passion

I got this really hilarious email the other day from this chick who wrote this super long letter about me "ruining P&F with homos and sick fantasies". Not necessarily word for word, but that's pretty much how the whole message went.

Guys.

It's _just_ a fucking cartoon and I just _write_.

The characters are not real. They are not being harmed. They do not exist. There is also no way we, the fans, can determine a FICTIONAL. CHARACTER'S canon sexuality. It's just pixels and drawings and words. It's not serious business. Same goes for fanfiction. It's just FICTION. Holy shit, I cannot stress this enough. _I write fanfiction for fun _and do it because I get bored very easily. Fanfiction is just a hobby of mine to write stupid shit for my own satisfaction. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not here to satisfy you.

SO THIS CHAPTER IS DEDICATED TO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU REVIEWERS AND OUR LITTLE FRIEND WHO LIKES TO BITCH ABOUT CARTOONS BEING RUINED BY FANS OMG

ENJOY YOUR GAY FICTIONAL SEX

--

Peter had presented himself to be a happy-go-lucky "human" on the outside when he returned to D.E.I. headquarters, but on the inside there lurked a dark side to his newly formed appearance. If there was one major thing he knew humans desired more than jewelery, love or gold, it was to never age and die.

Most people dream for immortality, he knew that much. They wonder the ever repeated question that has many different answers, "What will I see and experience if I were immortal?"

Immortality. Definition: the ability to never die, to live forever until the end of days and time, to be able to have an infinite list on the multiple things they wished to be as child growing up. They could be that veterenarian or that fireman or that kid who spends the rest of his life packing groceries and asking, "Paper or plastic?"- whatever it is they wished they could do, they were allowed to because the possibilities were unlimited.

However, immortality does not exist. Such a wish is real only in fiction and the Bible and many other pieces of literature, be it religious or not.

But despite not existing, this was how Peter felt after being transformed unwillingly. His life span had extended from his usual twenty-five to thirty years dramatically up to seventy or even one hundred years. He didn't want to live for so long. He just wanted to complete his purpose in life and die. It wasn't too much to ask, was it?

Peter had felt immortal and it was not a pleasing feeling.

A horrible memory came back to him in his slumber, the time where he ran into the dark, cold alley, naked and in shock. He felt hideous and deformed. He didn't want to become like one of them. He could have killed himself right then and there with whatever he had found in the nearest dumpster after tearing off his fingernails from scratching violently at the building's brick wall he was in between. However, suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary solution, he remembered being told, and he stared with soulless eyes at his bloody hands. His fingers throbbed and ached in pain, the nails on his middle and ring fingers dangling off the nub.

Peter glanced to his side and saw a pair of curtains thrown aside next to the pile of trash lining the brick walls. He ripped off the remaining nails hanging off his fingers and slowly walked over and grabbed one curtain off of its rod. It was dirty and smelled of vomit and dust, it was so horrible. Peter wrapped one of the filthy damp cloths around him like a blanket and began walking out of the alleyway.

It was a cloudy day at the time, and at that precise moment when he trudged down the sidewalks of Seattle, the rain poured down on him. He was almost back to the Agency's base, just a few more liquor stores, prostitutes, and homeless folk to pass by and he would be home free. Free, free, free. The falling water mixed with the blood on his hands but Peter didn't notice or even feel the pain anymore.

_'Funny,'_ Peter thought and gripped the curtain tighter, _'I had no idea that freedom smelled like wet copper.'_

With a jolt, his eyes flashed open, a soft gasp releasing from his mouth and he fell on his back. "Oww!" Peter rubbed the back of his head tenderly and slowly opened his eyes. He was facing the ceiling and remembered falling asleep in the middle of the lobby on the cold tile floor. This irritated him because he had a tendency to fall asleep at the most random of moments, especially in the middle of conversations.

"Oh," he realized, "that's right! Where's Agent P and Doofenshmirtz at?" He looked at his surroundings, and only found silence accompanying him. Not a soul in sight, and then he remembered, "The lab!"

--

The ex-panda, being in a hurry and thus being unwise, ran up over ten floors of stairs so once he was at his destination, his legs gave out under him and he collapsed on the floor, exhausted and sweating. "Guh! Almost... there...!" He forced himself to stand up and dragged himself all the way to the end of the hall. The poor fellow's legs shook badly. He had never ran so much without stopping, especially on flights of stairs.

Peter collapsed once again, but he managed to catch himself by holding on the doorknob that led to the lab. "G-Got it-!" He turned the knob and as the door swung open, Peter fell through and into the big room. His face met the floor and his entire body went lip, the only sound coming from him to tell if he was alive was his heavy breathing and a cry of, "MADE IT."

Before he barged in, Doofenshmirtz and Perry were at the same table, both wearing goggles, looking at various glasses with pencils and papers in hand, writing down what looked like notes of some sort. Both men stared at Peter without saying a word, unsure what to make of his sudden outburst. Perry spoke up, "Er, Peter? Are you... alright there? Need some help?"

Peter didn't look up and instead merely waved his hand in a "no thanks" manner. Perry sighed and returned back to whatever it was he was doing. They had been working on the formula for a few hours now, and as usual, they had been failing over and over again.

Neither of them spoke of the incident in the bathroom.

They calmly spoke to each other back and forth, asked for assistance, and made sure their formulas were correct (for lack of a better word) as if nothing had gone down or happened. They acted like high school lab partners and that was that. "So, what are you guys up to in 'ere?" Peter asked, lifting himself off the floor. "Uh, the_ formula_?" Perry answered snobbishly. "What else would we be doing?"

Doofenshmirtz smirked.

Peter shrugged and looked around. "Well, what can I do to hel- oh wait! Duh! I totally forgot just now!" Peter laughed at himself and without explaining to the other two men, he ran back out the door. Doofenshmirtz shook his head and sighed, Perry repeating the latter and said, "He _does _have issues." The self-proclaimed evil genius grabbed four viles of different colored liquid in his hands and walked over to the sink. He poured the remains down the drain, the colors mixing together beautifully at first, but then turned into an ugly dark brown, almost black. The faucet turned on, washing the stains that were left behind.

"So, what would happen if I drank the pink vile?" Perry asked, lifting said color up to the ceiling lights, reflecting a light shade of pink in return on his face. Doofenshmirtz shrugged without facing him and leaned over the sink. "Probably... make your heart stop?" He scratched his head. "I dunno."

"Oh," Perry grinned, "what about the blue?"

"Suicidal thoughts." the older man replied.

"The yellow?"

"Incurable disease."

"Green?"

"You'll become a psychotic, poseur, commercial hippie."

"Purple?"

The muscles twitched on the side of Heinz's mouth. "You're mind's imagination will run wild in reality."

"Grey? Black? And the white?"

The irritation was building up quickly inside Doofenshmirtz. "You'll never speak again, you will become evil, and you will be forced to tell the truth no matter what you're asked." he then added, "Respectfully."

Perry ah'd and nodded. "I see." Doofenshmirtz spun around and walked over to Perry, gathering more viles. They had about a couple hundred of them, all colors of the rainbow. "I don't know why you're asking me these ridiiiiculous questions or where Peter the Panda went, but we need to get rid of these. They're no good and simply defective, so-"

"DON'T THROW ANYTHING AWAY!" Peter screamed, barging through the door. Doofenshmirtz and Perry jumped and nearly dropped their viles but caught them just in time and glared at Peter. "The hell's your problem?!" Perry yelled. Peter held up a briefcase while panting and breathing heavily, but smiled in between. Both Doofenshmirtz and Perry recognized the case that he had brought with him the day he came back.

"You can't toss anything down the sink yet!" Peter said again setting his briefcase down on the table and clicking it open. Perry and Doofenshmirtz got behind Peter and stared at the contents.

It looked like a mini lab set, complete with twelve small test tubes much like Doofenshmirtz's, a beaker, one pair of safety goggles, two eye droppers, one petri dish, a thermometer, and there were what looked like several papers tucked inside a zipper pouch on the other side of the briefcase. Perry wondered how Peter could have fit so much in one briefcase, despite it being quite large anyway. "Well, you're a little late," Doofenshmirtz began, "I kind threw out four viles already."

Peter spun his head around to look at him sharply. "You WHAT?! Dr. D, I was specifically told by the Agency in Seattle to gather as much of your experiments of the reverse potion as I could and analyze it before you-" Peter grunted in frustration and sighed very deeply. "Well you never told me this!" Doofenshmirtz exclaimed in defense. "As you can _see_, Peter, there are literally a _hundred_ more tubes that contain pretty much the same antidote! Analyze all you want, I'm taking a shower and heading to bed. Make sure to clean up when you're finished."

"Same here," Perry waved, "have fun, Pete, see ya."

Peter watched as the two walked out together and closed the door. The man with the oddly colored hair hmph'd to himself and began pouring one used vile into one of his own.

Red, orange, yellow... warm colors.

Green, blue, purple... cool colors.

Pink, white, grey, black... hell, Peter didn't know what these would qualify as.

...

Fuck it.

Pink, white, grey, and black: weird, mixed colors and shades.

--

Perry and Doofenshmirtz walked down the hall together. "Remember the room I gave you when Vanessa was here?" Doofenshmirtz asked Perry who nodded in response. "Well, each room has its own shower. So, you can use that one. And there are no rainstorms tonight, which also means no lightning! So, no coming into my room this time, you understand?"

"Yeah."

"Do you really understand? I-I don't want you coming in."

"Got it."

"Seriously Perry. Stay out."

"OKAY!"

Perry glared at the floor. It was hard to look at him now that they were alone with nothing to preoccupy each other with. In the lab, they could easily change the subject because they were working on something else, but now that they were only walking in silence, it made Perry uncomfortable and his thoughts kept returning back to the much unwanted but still pretty amazing handjob in the bathroom.

Perry's face flushed and looked up at Heinz through strands of greasy teal bangs.

He hoped Peter was some kind of miracle-worker, because he wanted that potion done and done fast so he could get the hell as far away as possible from Doofenshmirtz before things got out of hand.

After a much needed shower, Perry wrapped his stitched hand back up in gauze and lied on the bed he only slept in once this entire time. His bed for the past- what was it, a month now?- had either been the floor, the waiting room's couch, or Doofenshmirtz's bed. _'This whole mission sucks.' _he thought drearily, _'I really wish I could just be done and over with this stupid crap.' _Just then, Perry's watch began beeping off on the side table he set it on. He leaned over, grabbed it with his uninjured hand, and clicked the side button. Monogram appeared on the screen.

"Agent P," the Major said, "I, uh, just wanted to check in on you. Have you-?"

"No. No potion yet." Perry finished for him. Finding the right concoction was becoming old news and Perry was tired of repeating the same word: no. No, no, no, no, no.

"Oh." Monogram replied. "I-I see. Well, keep trying. I'm sure you and the others will-"

"Thanks, Major. Er, I have to go. Sorry." Perry turned his watch off and set it back on the table. He pinched the bridge of his nose and was just not in the mood to deal with missions or check-ups or anything relating to the Agency. He just wanted rest. A long, long hard-earned rest. Perry curled up to the pillows and flopped on his side, his eyes getting heavier... and heavier... and...

Hours passed.

Perry tossed and turned on his side of the bed and slowly felt his senses coming back. How long had it been since he fell asleep? He remembered it being about eight in the evening when he and Doofenshmirtz had gone into their own rooms for the night. He slowly opened his eyes, finding himself facing the window side of his bedroom. The night was clearly visible thanks to the other building's lights shining about the the city and the numerous cars driving up and down the boulevards in a rush more than usual. The moon was clearly visible being that it was a full moon.

He stretched to wake himself up a little more fully, and when he did, sat up and glanced at his surroundings. Still his bedroom. Not Doofenshmirtz's. That's good so far.

The agent looked to the other side of his bed and his eyes widened. He froze. There lying next to him in what looked like nothing but boxer shorts was the one person he did not want to see this late at night, especially in his room. Doofenshmirtz opened his mouth and said, "You know, when I told you that I didn't want you coming in my room," he sat up quickly and shoved Perry back onto the bed with one arm and leaned in closer to his face, "what I _meant_ was, "get your ass in my room tonight"."

Perry didn't have time to retort as the distance closed between them and Perry felt that once familiar and burning feeling of lips touching. He muffled in between, trying to cry out from the sudden surprise, but his resistance only made Doofenshmirtz press harder. Perry placed his good hand against the other's chest and tried pushing Doofenshmirtz off of him, but to no avail. The man was heavier and bigger than Perry's petite new form.

Tongues met once again and Perry was actually able to get some sound out this time, but unable to speak. He felt like his mouth was being attacked, but he (Perry) didn't want this to stop. He wanted it to end and, then again, he wanted it to continue.

_'I am such a fucking idiot.'_

Perry kissed back with full force, but in return made it harder to breathe. Doofenshmirtz was the one to break it off and he stared down at Perry with a wide smug smirk. His once overconfident nemesis was now lying on his back in a bed, completely vulnerable to anything and everything. Wiping the small streak of saliva from his bottom lip, Perry covered his mouth with his arm, and with his face as red as a tomato, scowled and said breathlessly, "Why did you come here?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Doofenshmirtz asked. "I came here to screw you."

Perry's face went from red to white and back to red in less than five seconds. How it was possible for the human body to do that, no one will know. "E-excuse me?" he stuttered, his voice becoming low and meek. He felt Doofenshmirtz slide his hand under Perry's shirt and felt the other unzip his pants. "Wuh- wait a minute!" The smaller man grabbed the hand that was taking off his pants and stared into Heinz's eyes directly. "I-I'm not so sure about this. I mean... you know I like you. Li-like you..._ a lot_. But I've," he stopped and looked away, "I've never done this sorta thing before... plus, my hand still hurts..."

He began to break out in a sweat and Perry could swear that the powerful thumping inside his chest was on the very edge of Exploding-Heart Cliff. He had never been so nervous and unprepared, especially for something as trivial as sex.

Hollywood and manga made this shit look _so easy_.

There was no pressure or awkwardness or shaking or nerve-wrecking emotions when the actors on screen in movies portrayed intercourse. They just got right down to it. In manga, non-consensual touching and kissing turns into an immediate consensual fucking. So why was it so hard to do it the first time in real life?

"How come," Perry broke out of his thoughts, "how come you're not... as nervous or- mmph- em-embarrassed as I am?" Doofenshmirtz gave him an incredulous look as if he were joking. "Uh, I do have a daughter, Perry. I'm (sigh) I've done this before, y'know." He lifted Perry's shirt over his shoulders and threw it to the floor, softly stroked him on the cheek and grinned. "You're just flustered because you're a virgin." The smaller form shifted uncomfortably beneath the scientist and pouted. _God dammit, Vanessa._

"So," he said, "you're saying you've done it with a guy before?" Heinz leaned down and gently pressed his lips to Perry's bandaged hand. "No," he laughed lightheartedly, "It's no different from women. Besides the whole, you know, obvious-different-genitalia-thing." Agent P glanced down and gripped Doofenshmirtz's hand tightly and asked, "Will it... hurt?" The evil "doctor" looked at him as if he just remembered he had forgotten something. "Hold that thought!"

The next thing Perry knew, Doofenshmirtz ran out of the room and came back a few minutes later with what looked like a lotion container and a square piece of paper. As he saw Heinz walk towards the window more, the moonlight made the items become recognizable. The words on the circular container read: Vaseline. The square piece of paper wasn't a piece of paper either, it was a condom.

Gulp.

"Don't ask where I found these, you should know by now D.E.I. doesn't make sense. And to answer your question, from what I know with what little Sex Ed I had as a child and more experience, yes. Yes it does hurt." Doofenshmirtz placed the bottle next to the bed and got on top of Perry again. "In fact, you might even bleed. Just the first time though." Perry's eyes widened with shock and fear. "M-maybe we shouldn't- that, that doesn't sound very pleas-" He stopped in mid-sentence when he felt the button of his pants come undone and when Doofenshmirtz leaned over and kissed him. He slowly pulled the agent's pants off and gently pushed him back down on the pillows. He wasn't wearing any underwear. "Just get comfortable," he said, "yeah, just... relax, kid."

Perry took deep breaths to comfort himself. Here he was about to get fucked by his worst enemy while he happily complied. Oh! Perry's life was just one big jar of irony.

He looked at the taller man and saw his slender form through the window's light, his eyes lowering to look at the blatantly obvious. "I-I'm starting to have second thoughts about this, doc." he said. He heard the cap of the container come off near the floor and saw Heinz's hands rub together, the vaseline covering two of his fingers. He leaned over and ran his tongue over Perry's collarbone and soft pink nipples. The secret agent's breathing became softer and he murmured under his breath. "Ah..."

"Feel good?"

"Yeahhh,"

The agent looked calm for a second but nearly screamed his lungs out when he felt a finger insert him but was silenced with a hard, crushing kiss. They pulled away and Perry bit his bottom lip as hard as he could when he felt a second finger go in. This was torture, he thought, but it felt so good at the same time. Perry felt a trickle of blood flow down from where he bit himself and gasped from both the pleasure and pain being inflicted on him. He cried, "R-right there! Yeah, ah-!"

Doofenshmirtz wasn't sure how Perry would feel when they got down to it. This was almost nothing compared to actual sex. But he figured he could just let him enjoy himself for now. Perry looked too fucking adorable and hot at the same time to be told that he would be broken.

Perry felt Doofenshmirtz's hand withdraw and he arched his back, revealing how badly he wanted this. All the time though, he was trying not to think how bad this shit was gonna be and trying to ignore the pain Doofenshmirtz said would occur so nonchalantly. He suddenly thought back to this one feminist ad that showed a naked woman wrapped in a blanket, a little bit of blood and semen underneath and to the side of her while she cried, with a man lying next to her, sleeping, suggesting they had sex and she lost her virginity the previous night. In big white words, it said, "Your Pleasure, Her Pain."

Perry felt like that woman in the ad right now.

Doofenshmirtz felt sudden arms wrap around his neck and shoulders in a helpless manner and stopped what he was about to do. Perry clamped his eyes shut and, while trying not to stutter, said, "Please," A pause. God this was so humiliating and unmanly. But Perry wanted his point across, crystal clear. "please don't hurt me on-on purpose through this." Heinz smiled at this. "Hmph," He pushed Perry back down in a gentle manner, but their was a little force this time, making sure not to hurt his hand any more than it already was. "You'll like it, promise. Now don't tense up so much, just- yeah, like that."

The agent did what he was told and clenched his teeth. The man above him spread Perry's legs apart and tore the paper sealing the condom off with his teeth. He spit out the paper on the floor and put the rubber on applying more vaseline over it. Doofenshmirtz pushed his manhood in as slow and gently as he possibly could. Perry was handling it pretty well for a first-timer, Doofenshmirtz noticed in surprise. Agent P gripped the bedsheets with one hand tighter and tighter, until his knuckles turned a pale white and he hissed, "SHIT! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK-!"

"Relaaax," Doofenshmirtz warned, "or else it will hurt even worse. Don't get all worked up so fast." Perry could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. God, this hurt so, so bad. He felt his enemy rocking in and out, slowly at first to get a feel and then felt the hard cock pump faster. Perry moaned and tried not to think about the pain. He noticed that the more he didn't think about it, the better it felt. He pulled Doofenshmirtz down on him with his good arm and scratched hard where his left shoulder blade were. Heinz hissed in pain, knowing that there would be long marks left, but continued. If it makes it hurt less for Perry, he concluded to himself, then it's okay.

Perry's cries were getting louder. "Oooh, yeah... Harder! Harder-!" It was Heinz's turn to catch his breath and flush. "Hurting less now, huh?" he said in between breaths. Perry wrapped his legs around the scientist's hips in response, pushing him in even more. The bed creaked beneath them and sheets twisted and turned with their movements of passion.

The thrusting became faster and Perry felt amazed by what he was experiencing. "Oh my God," he said and moved his own hips against Doofenshmirtz, "this feels so good! Oh yeah, oooh-" The motions were becoming rapid as the mattress underneath moved along with them. Doofenshmirtz grunted and cried out, "Jesus, you feel great..." He leaned down and licked the blood that was previously released by Perry over his bitten lip. His tongue wandered from his lips and into Perry's mouth, the kiss becoming sloppy and wet and tasting like copper.

Both men felt their sweat mingle together on their bodies. Their sweet passion was like nothing Perry ever felt before. He sighed and licked his lips when Heinz sank himself down into him again, harder, faster, as they stared into each others lust-filled eyes. "Ah-I love you- AH!- so..." Another deep thrust. "... so fucking much! Haah! I want you so bad, Heinz..."

Hearing Perry say his name to his face for the first time ever, especially in this situation, made Doofenshmirtz's wild desire grow even stronger. This is, quite possibly, the greatest fuck he ever had. Charlene was nothing compared to what he was feeling from Perry right now, even if he did get her knocked up from blowing his load into her. This was way better. Nothing can compare to this.

Doofenshmirtz's pelvis thrust forward and he felt Perry's entrance tighten, but it just made it all the more good. "Fuck, you're so hot right now," he murmured, "almost..."

Perry's cries turned into screams of unimaginable pleasure. He said Doofenshmirtz's name over and over again, moving wildly and panting like he had just ran a mile without stopping. "Heinz- Heinz, I- ah! Oh, god, fuck me!" There was no holding back. Everything Perry had worked for and his mission meant nothing now. Fuck the Agency, fuck the mission, and fuck that feminist ad. Nothing in the world, not even a two year vacation, could make him feel this incredible.

And there it all was, in a flash of white light, Perry felt himself cum all over his own belly and Doofenshmirtz pant heavily as he came as well. Both of them said nothing, they just breathed. Breathed in the shame, sex, and guilt that mixed together in the air of the room. Seconds later, their eyes met and all they could do was smile.

Heinz peeled off the comdom and tossed it in the nearby trash can at the edge of the bedside table. He collapsed next to Perry and looked at him. "Your sexual tension gone?" All Perry could do in reply was whisper from exhaustion and said in a very satisfied manner, "Yeah." They both glanced up at the ceiling and he heard Doofenshmirtz say, "Mine too."

And they both laughed.

--

The sun rose and it was a beautiful morning. Doofenshmirtz opened his eyes and found himself waking up next to Perry, who had his back turned to him. He could hear his soft breathing as he slept. The older man slowly rose up from the bed, grabbed his boxer shorts that lay at the edge of the bed, slipped them on, and walked out of the room and back into his own.

He locked his door and went into the bathroom to clean himself up. Afterward, he grabbed a pair of his usual clothes, put on his trademark white lab coat, and took the elevator to the lab. "I wonder if Peter is still up there?" he said to himself. The elevator doors slid open and he entered the hallway, finding the lab door slightly open. "That's weird," Doofenshmirtz mumbled, "Didn't Perry close it all the way last night?"

For some reason, his instincts kicked in, and he jogged over to the door. When he pushed it open slowly, what he found made him freeze in his tracks.

The lab was a complete mess. Fluids of unknown and possibly dangerous chemicals splattered and lined the walls, floor and countertops. He looked around and saw Peter lying face down on the floor, as if he collapsed and never got back up. Doofenshmirtz ran over, thinking he was asleep, and shook him. "Peter! Wake up!" his voice rose, "Are you okay? What happ..." The "doctor" stopped himself and saw a pool of crimson liquid flowing out from where Peter's head was.

_'What the hell kind of chemical is that?'_ he thought and leaned over to touch it. It was cold and seeing how dark and thick it was, his eyes nearly bulged out of his head. Then he realized- it was blood.

Doofenshmirtz looked back at Peter and saw that the blood was coming from his head. It looked like someone had hit him hard with some sort of object. What he also realized was that the briefcase he took with him was missing. "Peter! Peter!" He turned the third Agent P over and was shocked to find bruises and cuts covered his face, neck, and arms. He unbuttoned and lifted Peter's shirt to find more of said injuries. His eyes were closed, as if he were sleeping, and there was a faint sign of his chest heaving up and down. He had been beaten straight to hell and back.

"Peter, wake up! What happened?!" Doofenshmirtz was getting desperate now for a response. "Come on! Open your eyes!" He heard Peter mumble a few words, but they were all jumbled and mixed that Heinz couldn't understand anything he was trying to say. He grabbed one of Peter's hands and squeezed it. "Peter! I can't-"

"All... en..."

Doofenshmirtz fell silent as Peter's hand went limp.

--

i am so mentally tired lol

edit: I added and changed a few things because I forgot that I totally left out Perry's injured hand. Sorry about that!


End file.
